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and my interests include
cheesecake / life and love / sate/ baileys/ seafood/ pralines/ sheesha/ rollercoasters/ joyriding/ learn to sleep more/ writing/ vodka on the rocks/ menthol puffs/ mixing spices / manila / brunei / miri/ kk / good coffee / "i love you's" / moments / words / rainy days / airports / sunsets / spontaneity / beautiful shoes / food in all its forms / my baby brother / eyeliner / books / sweet SMS's / sucker for anything acoustic / laughter


Things To Do Before I Turn 22
Get that overdue drivers license

Visit a new country

Travel

Learn to cook

Live and love


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    While everything around me is ever changing, ever dying, there is underlying that change a living power that is changeless, that holds all together, that creates, dissolves and recreates....For I can see in the midst of death, life persists, in the midst of untruth, truth persists, in the midst of darkness light persists ~Mohandas K. Gandhi Site Fights Spirit Counter

    twenty. loud. addicted to certain fandoms. reads fanfiction. likes to twist the written word. can talk about anything under the sun (and thats the problem). This blog is a compilation of my thoughts and my life...so you know it wont be very interesting. ;)

    Saturday, June 24, 2006

    You would think that with the numerous events that have happened to me of late, I would have more to blog about, but you know what, I dont.

    I could write about many things such as the night I forked out less than ten bucks for numerous amounts of baileys and tequila poured down my throat, the depressing three days I spent locked in my room (of course with the bathroom breaks but no ingestion of any food substance) simply sleeping and feeling protected by a thin layer of blanket from the harsh harsh world and the realization that no one knew or cared I was doing that because I felt, in all senses of the word, depressed, well that kinda made me suck it up and get out. I could write about my playing a dangerous game with a guy and having it burn me in the process and then having me rebound to the nearest nicest guy which then hurt him in the process. I could write about my units not making any sense of sense to me this semester because everytime I tried to study, the feeling of loneliness and desperation and pressure just threatened to choke me.

    I am not dumb and my course is not easy. Accounting stumps me yet thrills me and information systems excites me. But this semester they just didnt do it for me.

    I could write about my failed attempts to make a difference and let you be swaddled in my misery. I could write about the day I wanted to go out so bad but I had no one to turn to and the day I wanted to stay in so bad and then have people come and join me. I culd write about the fake smiles and the insincere smiles and insincere quetsions asked about my life by people who believed they were doing the right thing when it came to me, keeping me an arms length away but not realising they were doing more harm than good. And about those who believed they knew me through and through and never gave me a chance.


    I didnt stand a chance.

    The semester is over. My exams are done. My heart is in splinters and my soul is desperate to be fed. My mind digests nothing and I crave more than this world has to offer. I dont crave love.Or friendship. No. I have had my chances at love and I pushed them away because I knew full well it wasnt right, it wasnt right at all for me to love them when I didnt love myself at the moment. And I have my friends who understand me. And Im ever grateful.

    But what I lost somewhere along this semester is a sense of self. I dont know why and I dont know how but I can tell you I feel like a hollow shell of my former self. And Im tired.

    I deathly tired of fixing myself.

    But I have to. Because no one else will.

    But I feel like broken glass. The more I try to fix myself, the more I bleed.

    I am alone and that state will remain for a long time. Because I need to heal from past hurts and current ones.

    It hurts.

    I wish I could fast forward to 2007. Because if I am okay then that means I get through this year.

    DOnt get me wrong. Im not suffering from depression. I think. but i just feel very unhappy right now and I want to pause my life and ask it to wait for me until I come back and am ready for it again.

    On a completely different note, I think Ive perfected the art of not sleeping. I am suffering from insomnia.

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