"All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."- The Wonder Years

I like to think of myself as someone in search of the best person in the world for me. I would gladly be with only one person for the rest of my life, and if I find him now, then alls well and good, but if I find him later, then thats okay too. Point is, whenever I have an opportunity for a relationship,I factor in many things,such as the longevity of it, could we last, I test the guy, I get into the relationship primarily for it to last. And maybe along the way I've faltered and made the wrong choices, but I dont think Ive ever led the guy on to believe otherwise.

Which is why finding out that theres a rumor that my last relationship ended because I slept the guy and left him and hurt him and I felt guilty and tats why I dont talk to him anymore and Im a bitch and thats apparently what I "do"...well, thats a slap in my face and I should be angry and I should be sad and I swear there should be so many things but right now all i feel is numb and drained.

I dont even talk to my last boyfriend anymore so I cant ask him if thats what he spread. But in my heart of hearts, I know its just not possible for him to do that so I suppose it had tpo be some malicious person altogether. The reason I couldnt talk to him couldnt possibly be because I was still in love with him then and any contact with him justpulled me deeper in there, could it?

If I try to deny, people will wonder why Im so defensive, and if I dont, theyll wonder why Im not. Question remains, Do I want to be know as the girl who dumped him and left him or the girl he dumped and left? and why does it still matter, one year later?

I feel like the more I talk about it, the less special our relationship will have been, so Ill just end it here.

Why is todays hero all about emotionally suffering? Is it because we all have eveything we could ever want given to us on a silver plate, from the second we are born? That all our wants are fulfilled before we even realised we wanted those wants? Because our needs arent needs but actually prerequisites to life? That everything we crave materially for can be so easily obtained but the things we need within us are left empty? Because our parents and the generations before them have already fought the good fight and we have nothing left to fight for?

Nothing left to fight for, so we battle with our emotions, we fight with ourselves, we scratch and we bite and we hiss and we cry and we whine at things we cant fix primarily because we cant fix them anyway. So I think we SHOULDNT let those things get us down. Because we will be so much more than this.

The semester ended last Friday. Not a moment too soon.