If youre fat, dont take pictures with your skinny friends.

No, really, thats the moral of todays story.

I flicked thru some of my older pictures, and I was just agog at how taking pictures with my skinny friends just somehow seems to amplify my um, not so skinnyness, for lack of a better euphemism for it.

You know what, for the first time in my life, Im actually trying to control my food intake, not really for any big reason, but just because Ive hit the big 2-0 and Im not exactly young anymore. I worry about my health and with my familys history of heart problems and hypertension and diabetes, its not exactly an einsteinish guess that if I dont cut down, I could very well be the next victim of a highly avoidable health problem.

But you know what, I think Ive heard it from almost every girl I know, even the skinniest of the skinny, that on one time or another, they were on a diet. And especially after I entered college, being on a diet just seemed to be in thing to do and whining about your fatness and weight gain and hips and thighs and arms and whatever flawed body part you had just seemed to SHOUT "WE ARE SISTERS!"

And I guess I sorta fell into that for a while, but now Im just flipping thru photos and I wonder why I was never compelled to lose the weight growing up.

I could take the easy way of and blame my family for my weight gain, as I was skinny as a toddler but given vitamin supplements by my mother to gain weight because she felt her kids didnt look cute skinny. Lol, yeah, you heard me. My moms simple and wonderful that way. She felt moving from Phils to Brunei was reason for us to return to the Phils on holiday fat and not skinny.

Nevertheless, a healthy appetite for everything, food, music, life, you name it, has always been promoted by my family of five. And now, I cant say I regret it.

I guess I grew up in kind of a protective bubble where your self worth was not determined by your physical beauty or in my case, lack thereof.

My dad, you see, always called me healthy. Kids at school would tease me about it and once I cried when I got home because of it and he just told me I was healthy.

Okay.

Then my mother, when she realised I couldnt fit in the kids department anymore, instead of bringing my weight down a notch, she decided to instead upgrade me to the ladies department, which, actually boosted my self esteem just a little coz I felt so grown up shopping there.

And my friends, I dunno, I had tight friends growing up. My weight was just never and issue. You know? of course I felt it when all the boys started liking the skinnier girls but I was just blase and went all oh, my prince will come, tra lalala and went on with my life. My life was never on pause just because I didnt have a boy then (neither is it on pause now).

My parents never asked me to lose weight. And my parents are my idols. They thought I was beautiful, just as I was. So if your idols think youre perfectly lovely, why would you listen to anyone else?

So even when reports that I was overweight came home, theyd shrug it off and ask me if I was happy.

And being a fairly happy 11 year old, of course I was. I was being given delicious food anytime I wanted, and I had loving friends and family and my weight never really was an issue.

Then I hit adolescence.

And maybe I was reaaaally lucky, because adolesence is supposed to be the time of your life when looks matter and looks compromise how you feel, but quite frankly, I dont think my looks ever held me back, in the sense that perhaps I felt quite safe behind the dorky glasses, thick eyebrows, no makeup, the frizzy hair and layers of fat and horrible fashion sense. I was always underestimated, you see, and instead of letting this hinder me, I suppose I used peoples underestimation of me to my advantage. I liked surprising people.

Thats not to say I never had my bouts of insecurity, coz hey, i had them, but they just didnt hold me back. I was really blessed, I believe, to be surrounded by people who didnt measure my worth by how physically attractive I was.

Dont get me wrong, I dont think Im severely obese but Im not going to lie and say I was slim. Right now Im just uhh..chunky? *grin* But hey, more to love and those who dont want to be my friend or whatever just because of weight issues? They can go screw themselves because I dont want to know them either.

Because, frankly, Ive never really had a problem finding friends and loves and life and never found my weight a hindrance socially (except when it comes to u know, wearing sexy clothes coz I doubt i can pass off sexy so hee.). I go out, I have fun, I have a life. And I like it.

And in that respect as well, I guess I learned to hone my conversational skills, my brain, and my personality because god knows, you can be ugly, but its a little bit more accepted if youre nice and funny.

And now Im 20, and I hate to say Ive joined the weight loss/watch your weight bandwagon, but really, only because I want to live for a very long time and not be stopped in my tracks because of a couple of pounds.

And fitting into my thinner pants dont hurt either.

But like I said. The extra curves have never stopped me in my pursuit of life before.

But in the process, well, heeheehee, I think Ill just have to well, stop taking pictures with my skinny friends for a while. :D

And hey, mom? Dad? Childhood buds? Former loves? Friends?

Thanks for never measuring my self worth by my body mass index, okay? :)