"There was just a moment when things weren't quite the same, weren't quite as they had always been through the long friendship." –The Giver

Like I said before, Brunei will always remain Brunei, and theres just something about going back that I cant put my finger on, but it just...rubs me the wrong way. And I guess though a large part of my childhood and adolescence, my entire life really, was spent there, its not really home anymore.

Its like from the second I cross the border into Brunei, I hold my breath and its a series of reruns and Im not 20 years old anymore. Im not what I am in uni, Im 14 and back in my awkward adolescent period again, my self esteem is at a down low and I have to wait till Im safely back across the border in order to breathe.

Not to say Im scared in Brunei. But lets just say I just feel like a whole different person at uni and when Im in Brunei, its like my past swallows me up and the people there dont see me as anything more than that 14 year old.

Including my parents.

Like I said, Brunei isnt home for me anymore. I cant even tell you where 'home' is currently, with my mom and dad based in Kota Kinabalu and me here and so on and so forth. Is it Philippines, my home country? Here where Im doing uni and have learnt so much? Brunei, where I grew up?

Where I still have memories of traumas and happiness and bittersweet echoes?

I think I have to find a new home.