and maybe larger than life is just the right size

Whenever i say Im a nomad, sometimes it makes me sad because I wish I wasnt constantly running from where Ive been to find a place where i can belong.

How in the world is it possible for me to be so healthy so virile so young..yet so unhappy?

Im constantly in search of ways to be happy. But what is happiness anyway? Is it the feeling of being loved, of accomplishment, of contentment? Having enough friends or having more than enough? Having wealth in ways one never thought possible or achieving fame in other ways? Is happiness something intangible with no specific meaning? Its true that one person's happiness is anothers heartache. That could be why we're all so unhappy. That feeling of being in limbo, trying to adjust what we want and what we really need.

I've managed to come to terms about why I may be unhappy. I think its got a lot to do with Ifs. If my parents hadnt uprooted from Brunei and had me lose a constant in my life, if my family was still in one place and not in various parts of Borneo, if I hadnt pushed away people who could have loved me and I could have loved because I feared it all, if I had a proper circle of friends and hadnt depended on myself too much, if I hadnt depended on people who werent geographically present but somehow still felt so THERE, if only I had concentrated on the present more than the past and the future, if only my mom and dad werent contsnatly in 3 different places every month, from Brunei to KK or Philippines, if only my lil brother wasnt in KK, if only my older brother wasnt in brunei and planning to leave, if only my childhood caretaker was still around, if only if only if only if only..

The if only's could kill someone.

Some say home is where the heart is. But I dont know where my home is. I havent lived in the Philippines long enough for me to ever feel comfortable there, my parents have left brunei and I graduate from Miri soon. So it stands to reason that at the same time I've misplaced my heart just a little along the way.

In other news, Matet, thanks for the fabulous weekend and time you showed me in brunei. I think I really abused your hospitality there ;) Thanks, babe, I had a fabulous time.

And now Im nomadding at Stephs place. Hee.

I need to snap myself out of the doldrums. Its the holidays, after all.