from the movie Closer

Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you love?
Alice: Nope.

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one.



Sometimes you just watch a movie and when everyone seems to hate it, for some unknownly bizarre reason, you dont. Closer was one of those movies for me. I liked the way the movie played out, and the twists were really enlightening. Great acting from Natalie Portman, in a role I didnt expect her to be able to carry off so well, but then again, she needed something to salvage her work in the Star Wars Trilogy...

In any case, it was raining all morning, its unfathomably cold for me, and Im here, writing this out because its my big brothers wedding tomorrow, the first wedding of my generation in the family, and while it wont be a huge glamorous wedding, it sure as well will be a memorable and significant event.

I hear my younger brother is slowly becoming a delinquent. I hope thats not true.

The parties just seem to start blending in, dont they? Academically Im steadier than I was last semester. And yeah.

Lets cross our fingers and hope all goes well, shall we?

Why does everybody lie? You know, the bad guys lie to get in your bed… and the good guys… lie to get in your heart(!) And I’m the idiot that falls for it every time(!)

-One Tree Hill


This morning, I awoke on a completely strange bed, bewildered to find a boy on either side of me. I blinked rapidly and then breathed a sigh of relief to remember that oops, fell asleep in a groupmates house doing an assignment. It didnt occur to me though that tiptoing to the kitchen and looking for water, while telling a stunned housemate something about how exhausted I was from las night, realising his expression was one of shock, trying to then clarify my stance by saying there were three of us in the room..yeah. Two points for me.

Last night was interesting as it consisted of us three group mates karaokeing to boys to men in the university labs past one am and THEN getting caught by the guards. Whoops. At one point, we picked a friend up and parked the car out by the road, had r n b blasting and we danced by the road for a full on ten minute sweat session. Ah, releasing stress in idiotic dancing behaviour.

The ball and its aftermath, btw, was interesting. Would have been a ton better had I not been so exhausted. Went to town with a friend to get my hair done, and that friend went off to do her hair because she had an appointment, while I wandered by myself around the mall for a while, completely bewildered. I wasnt sure where to go or even what to do with my hair. Met some friends, who recommended curls, and they even went to the salon with me, which made my day. WIth the accessories and shoes, the dress wasnt so bad.

Sat with a good group of friends, was first at the dessert table =D and took pictures with random people I'll never see again. I dont think I have even one picture, really. I dont know, I was so out of it. We went clubbing afterwards, and I swear, walking into a club in your 'ball wear' is kinda spiffy.

Sunday was more interesting. There was a big end of teh year uni party the club, and well, it was uni students at their most intoxicated, I suppose. I went with the girls, and thats always fun, tearing at the dance floor. Then they had the usual games, girl dancing on the bar gets a free jug of beer, boys who strip to boxers get 50 rm cash( lol, one of our boys ran up to do it, the other one was stripped!), girls who take off their bras get 250 rm (NO TAKERS!), couple had to find the most creative ways to lick the salt off their partner. Yeah. It was interesting, to say the least.

Someone told me that they used to know me as "that girl with long hair." Hm.

Polls end today, and not a moment too soon. God, I hate this tension. I feel Ive already lost because Im just not local. Bitter but true. Tomorrow at this time, y'all wil find out. Just dont be too sympathetic, I honestly can say I've already lost.

Brunei this weekend. Whee? Brothers wedding and packing up of all my stuff. Yeah. Family leaving Brunei very soon.

Exams. And have I studied? no! Grr to me.

I love taking photos. Its not because I think Im so photogenic (hardly) or because I think people want to be in photos with me, but partly its because I always believe life is made up of the moments that take your breath away, and photos, for better or worse, tend to capture them more effectively than words ever will.

I was looking through my photo archives-okay, by that I mean my computer- the other day, and I found myself feeling a tad nostalgic to see so many faces I took pictures with not in my life anymore. Its like at that moment, when the picture was taken, your friendship with them seemed endless.

Youre taken to another world in a photo.

Its like at the time, you dont think anything of the picture youre taking. You dont think of the memory it will hold, you just think and worry "do I look good? ooh, is my hair okay?" And you pose. And the camera clicks and the picture is taken and you pose for the next one, forgetting about the previous one till reminded later.

Theres the occasional perfect picture that seems to be taken at the best possible angle, youre face looks flawless, your smile seems effortless, your arms are around your loved ones, the care you each share for the other just jumps out of the shot, the beauty in the shot captured for all eternity (or at least until its erased).

Then theres the not so perfect one, where you look absolutely disgusting and you look deranged, but the happiness or the sadness of the moment seems perfectly captured anyway.

The candid photos, taking you in your element, no pretenses, I think those are priceless.

And that feeling of utter invincibility when youre taking a photo. Youre just carefree and you think nothing can take that moment away.

And then time passes and you realise that you were wrong. Time passes, people leave. Yet. Yet youre thankful that the pictures exist to capture moments when you thought you really did have it all, even if you really didnt have anything to begin with.

I like thinking that whatever chaos or order my life is in at the moment, there were moments, beautiful heartfelt moments, where for just a second, life really was okay, and theres tangible evidence in the photos, and theres proof.

In this breakable world of ours, that reminder just somehow keeps me going on. And thats why I love photos.

So take one with me sometime, okay?

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
You do not need me

Damien Rice- Volcano

I have never known music like Damien Rice. Or perhaps I have. For some reason, his music touches me, its very soothing and calming and just what I needed at this confusing point in my life.

Bear with me.

If my life had a soundtrack, it'd be one messed up playlist, because I associate completely different songs with different aspects of my life.

Like currently, I've come to realise that I dont really know who or what I am anymore. But thats not necessarily a bad thing, because self discovery is a path I needed to walk on sooner or later. All these years, I always thought I was one particular person, and I always tried to live up to any stereotypes thrown my way, any judgements, like how Im 'friendly, loud, carefree, immature'. It never bothered me before that I could be one way to some people and completely different to others, I felt that I was adapting. You know?

Now I realise how much bs that is. I have to be me 24/7, no matter what people expect. I could be a different version of me, but still me. I have to stop tryingto please everyone because its wearing me down and in the end Im not pleasing anyone.

I've always thought I knew all there was to know about myself but now I have come to accept that I don't, theres still so much more of me to discover, so much more that Im capable of, so much more I can do, with or without the security and comfort zones Im secured in, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why its okay to go through a phase where you dont know who you are.

Thing is, I cant expect others to love me for me, if I dont even know who me is.

That was either me being poetical or completely bs-sy again.

This week is ball week, then elections week and then study weeks and then exam weeks and then I go off for a month and then Im back for summer. Oh joy.

"They say that the truth will set you free
But then again, so will a lie
It depends if you're trying to get to the promised land
Or if you're just trying to get by"
~"Promised Land" by Ani Difranco

Im not made for politics, but I am into change.

And perhaps running for student council independantly will seem like some to be either to be a very stupid or brave move, but nothing life changing or worthwhile was ever gained without risk.

If I get enough votes, Im in, and I dont, Im not. Pretty simple, really.

In other news, assignments are haunting me and Im tired. :(

"They say that the truth will set you free
But then again, so will a lie
It depends if you're trying to get to the promised land
Or if you're just trying to get by"
~"Promised Land" by Ani Difranco

"They say that the truth will set you free
But then again, so will a lie
It depends if you're trying to get to the promised land
Or if you're just trying to get by"
~"Promised Land" by Ani Difranco

Im not made for politics, but I am into change.

And perhaps running for student council independantly will seem like some to be either to be a very stupid or brave move, but nothing life changing or worthwhile was ever gained without risk.

If I get enough votes, Im in, and I dont, Im not. Pretty simple, really.

In other news, assignments are haunting me and Im tired. :(

"Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it."---Danny Kaye

You know one of those nights where youre not really yourself and youre itching itching itching to do something so out of the ordinary that you just decide, heck with it, and you just go with the flow? And suddenly youre on the beach with alcohol and bbq freeflowing and its past midnite and you're cut off from the friends who normally make sure you dont do anything stupid? And youre in heels because you had clubbing plans? And you flicked them off to run on the beach and play in the sand and water? Dancing like no one's business, chilling with people you'd never usually speak to, having long conversations with the most random of people, getting to see a new side to old ones?

One of those nights and mornings where your inhibitions are lowered. And your heart feels free and you couldnt care less about what everyone else is doing but youre just fixated on simply being in the moment, under the stars, playing on the sand and remembering exactly why you used to love life to begin with.

Its like being taken out of your comfort zone and realising that you really are okay.

Music blasting. laughther abundant. Play rampant.

Carefree and meaningless conversations about everything yet nothing at all at the same time.

It felt like a vacation from me last night, and if you had seen me last night walk back from the car to my room (yes, ALONE) in soaked pants bottoms and sand everywhere and heels amuck, you would have also seen the huge stomping grin on my face. Ah.

I dont think I did anything too stupid last time but gossip flies. Ill keep you informed but for the now..

Alls clear and I feel all floaty.

And well, the Undergrad Business Conference was fun too. Lol.

Twas a good and admittedly unproductive weekend. Ill pay for it by actually buckling down to my books this week.