Nostalgia is such a seductive liar.

I wonder how Christmas can possibly be Christmas this year.

There are Christmas songs playing all over the mall. Christmas decorations fill the malls and even my relatives have put up Christmas decorations of every shape, size and light all around. And the weather doesnt help, its cold and rainy, not snowy obviously, but it somehow sets the mood, that Christmas season feeling. That festive Christmas feeling.

If someone asked me to point out my best Christmas, I couldnt really tell you a specific time or place. We have a way, we do, of romanticizing even the worst experiences, you see. I asked my younger brother about this Christmas which I recall to be one of the best and he looked at me strangely and said it really wasnt. There was that Christmas in Labuan, with the Escalantes and the Banaags, the swimming. The one in Michigan, with the US relatives, in the snow. The ones in brunei, of Empire, of jerudong, of parties, of Missa De Gallos and house visits galore. The Christian Hari Raya, if you will, only with lots of presents and food food food. Theyre all a blur to me, really.

But I always insist that each year's Christmas was better than the last. And every year, my immediate family is always together. My older brother, my younger brother, my mom, my dad, me. The five of us, always. No matter who was additional, be it by my brother's fiancee, Ate Mafe, Kuya Nonoy, AA, my uncles, other friends...it was always us five, for that special week. My brothers and I pretending we actually ahd good voices, them strumming, me singing, my dad with his harmonica, my mom laughing gaily, ready with extra food and drinks and of course, the presents. Listening to the radio. Watching TV.

It seemed to usually rain on Christmas eve.

I can NEVER remember what my parents gave me year after year. But I can remember the time we spent together. See, my familys really crazy and busy. And we're never ever really..together. But usually, every Christmas, without fail, every new year, we are.

I dont know how this year's Christmas and New Year will be. Coz see. Its the first Christmas and New Year in the Phils. And the first without my older brother physically present. He's in Brunei with his wife.

I was always worried that my family would one day start to seperate. We have our quirks. We annoy the hell out of each other. But we're still family. Flesh and blood. And it should be cooler with all the other relatives this year. But my older bro wont be here.

Like I said, I always did worry, growing up, if our whole family togetherness was too good to be true. And now this year, I wonder if that family togetherness has already ended.

Which is why I wonder how Christmas will truly be Christmas this year.