"The stars are the jewels of the night,and perchance surpass anything which
day has to show."

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."
~Robert Anthony

When Paris Hilton popularized the "Thats Hot" catchphrase, I didnt realise then how much id be using it myself. Even when I mocked her. But today?

Lifes too rollercoastery sometimes. I was just reflective because last nite, the boyfriend visits me, with me in a sleeping shirt and ratty old pjs after a shower, no makeup no nothing, and my hair in a towel and tells me I look beautiful. And instead of fighting off that remark with a vicious 'Yeah right', I surprised myself when I said, "thank you."

See, I could never really accept any aspect of my outer being could be pretty growing up. My self esteem really took a beating in my adolescent years. I was just such an ugly thing growing up. And that affected my personality more than I can ever explain to any of you people. Its hard understanding what feeling ugly is to someone who never had that problem. I was domineering to a fault because I was covering up my own insecurities, of which there were many.

But now its different. No, I didnt blossom or whatever, but I think my features settled, ahaha, and Im just too over confident no matter what Im in that its deemed pleasant to the eye.

But in a weird sense, I also feel like my old attachments are faltering, my old insecurities dont matter so much anymore. I no longer need affirmation every 3 seconds. I can walk around fat and fashion impaired and still feel alright. I can be a biyatch when its needed and completely naive and gullible other times. I can laugh out loud at what I find funny, and voice my opinion irregardless of the popular vote. I dont care about the things I used to care about but at the same time, have even more love for the people Ive always cared for. I can go to church and have the occasional drink and cotton candy splurge. I can love chocolates and adore Counting Crows and I dont have to wear anything that makes me uncomfy. Im no beauty queen and sure sometimes I like feeling pretty, but the superficial shallow beauty I associated with being happy hasnt been a factor for me in many many months. And maybe to me, thats hot.

And perhaps Im just adapting with the fact that, with subtle changes here and there, the person I am now is probably the person Im gonna be for the rest of my life. And she's not so bad, you know?

She's actually pretty cool.

Its kinda a relief that I dont hate myself right now. Or Im not angsty or something. That despite everything Ive been through, despite it all, maybe for the first time in my life, I think I might actually be okay with not just my personality or a certain aspect of me, or my eyes or whatever. But Im okay with me. WIth being me.

Yeah, thats hot.