“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”- Joseph Campbell

Okay, after years of being on jadedjanuary nicks all over the friggin internet world, I am finally moving.

Ill be deleting this blog soon. So if you wish to follow my escapades or whatever it is that attracts readers to this blog, please email me at izzah.t@gmail.com and I will send you the link. =)

I promise it will be as purty as this blog.

I think that my ability to get PERFECT in Soul Caliber, using absolutely every character (except Astoroth coz he's just heavy and slow) is a sign that I have a lot of inner rage going down.

We don't see things how they are, we see things how we are- anais nin

I visited my blog- yes, *this* blog- today, and I was appalled at my layout. Why has no one told me how old and dry my layout is? It looked good to my 19 year old eyes but now it just feels pretentious to me. I have been using the exact same layout for the past two years. I think I need a change, and y'all will get that next week.

Like a lot of things lately, its strange how the layout I was so comfortable with at the time, feels so unwanted now.

and if you find a love like mine/ just now and then drop a line/to say you’re feeling fine.
And when things go wrong/perhaps you’ll see you’re meant for me
I’ll be around when she’s gone. Billie Holiday

She's a runner, that one. The perfect prim and proper princess.

And she's the queen of unrequited love, be it the giver or the taker, either end of the spectrum, either end of both extremes. Its all she knows. To give love and not receive, or to receive love yet not give any.

Her past loves have come and gone and she has not quite forgotten the taste of their kisses. She could handle their desperate reaches for her physical self for she is ugly and sometimes it felt wonderful to be reached for and kissed, and sometimes she would succumb. But often, she would not, because in the not succumbing, there was power, and in that power, control.

Control was something she lost the first time she was in love, and the first time she had her heart broken, and she will die before she ever loses control again.

How childish. How can one love when one is too much in control?

Hush. Lets talk about her. Its not a discussion for us now, love, just her, all her.

Its quite sad to admit that at 21, thats all the love she knows. She's used to it, too used to it, to love and not be loved back, or to be loved and not love back. But never to love and be in loved in return. She's not quite mastered the art of requited love.

When in love, she must not let him love her. Thats the rule. She's used to the almost but not quite safety of loving someone wholeheartedly, yet without the tangles of real life and commitment, of the the future and the plans they must make. In the present, its fine, she knows he doesnt deem her worthy to be loved, and she is used to it that way. She is used to being in the background, but being there when he needs her. She knows he likes her, tolerates her even, and sometimes even craves her company. But if he so much as slips into loving her more than she loves him, their delicate balance will shift and she will ache to run free again.

When being loved, he must not know she loves him too. For she's used to the sanctuary of being loved and put on a pedestal, for though she knows she is flawed but in his eyes, in those trusting eyes, to him she is beautiful. And it is very rare for her to feel beautiful. She can do no wrong. She is an expert at making herself free (but not too free, cant make him know that to her, he is the world, and around him, her life revolves) for him and playing it just right. She blossoms in his prescence because it tickles her to think that for some reason, there has to be something about her thats tolerable, for why else would this boy profess to love her?

She collects their professions of love but doesnt know quite what to do with them. It is easier for her to be admired and share pleasantries and company, but it is hard for her to love and be loved in return. She is too damaged by the past and her past mistakes and mistakes thrust upon her and she has just not quite grown up. She is stuck in adolescence, almost, and thats quite a sad status to be given to a woman, stuck in the past and present.

Requited love is painful for her, has been painful for her, and she doesnt want it.

For when they fall for her and she falls for them, they see she is flawed, the pedestal she was on crumbles, the golden halo on her head was cheap gold painted. She's good at acting the part of the princess, its just that she cant keep up the charade once she lets her guard down.

The girl they thought she was becomes the girl she is, and its hard to say who was betrayed more here, the boy who realised the girl of his dreams doesnt quite fit into his reality or the girl who tested the boy of her dreams, would not let him in, and decided he was fit and loves him finally and hope that when he sees her, the real her, he would see beyond her facade and love her anyway, doesnt.

He loves the girl he fell for, the girl with a seemingly perfect life, with happiness and flowers and sunshine. He loves the girl she thought she was and was keen to be part of her world and this girl to be a part of his. He's with her, yet..he's taken, all the same. He's taken by the girl she was, and the girl she is just cant handle competing with herself, and before her can break her heart when he realises she is not what he envisioned, before they can go down the road of fixing what was broken, before they can be a couple and work through this together, she leaves. Before he can leave her.

And so it ends. And she runs again, waiting for the next unrequited love, because that, she can handle. She's an expert at being alone.

What did I tell you, in the beginning?

She's a runner that one, and she'll be one until she finds someone who will run with her, despite the flaws, can see past the facade and still love her anyway, from under the crumbled pedestal, cheap gold painted halo and all.

One day, maybe she will be more than a collector of cheap professions of love.

“I’m gonna base this moment on who I’m stuck in a room with. That’s what life is. It’s a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.” – House, M.D. Episode 58 “One Room, One Day”

It has taken me 8000 days, give or take a few to get to where I am today.

I don't have a particularly bad life, no, far from it. It however is punctuated by bouts of highs and then a series of lows, but me, a person who has been equated to be one who wears her heart on her sleeve, can always always have a smile for you anyday.

Because my birthday is so early in the year, I have always never really celebrated it, other than when my parents organize something, which they do every year. But this year was the first time my parents could do nothing due to the geographical distance, which meant I had to take matters into my own hands.

Food. Check. Alcohol. Check. Great company? Check. Check and check.

My 21st has come and gone, and id write about it but writing about something sometimes takes away from the simple beauty of the event so just know I had a marvelous time, had friends over, went clubbing, played with balloons, tried my hand at bartending (oops, I put too much vodka, but the people didnt really complain about that :P), took manyt pictures which i will post up when I have the time, pimped my boys, danced the nite away, was very unsober and had lots of toasts to 2007.

Also, because my birthday is so early in the year, i always really have celebrated the 26th of january as the beginning of my year. And if things go by way of my 21st, 2007 should be a beautiful year.

Oh, oh, story time.

I was waiting at the train station when my phone went off because it was on low battery. I needed my phone because my friend was meeting me in the city and he had no idea where to meet me because in my ultimate wisdom, I told him Id call him where to meet me.
Thinking fast, I asked this random guy to lend me his phone. id swap sim cards and call my friend easy peasy.

..which didnt work because once I put my sim card in, there was a whole his phone couldnt read my sim situation.

My train arrived and the guy asked me if that was my train. I said yes.

So he got on with me and I used my phone finally.

We get to my stop, I return his phone, he doesnt get off.

Puzzled, I asked him why.

Guess what, the train we got on? Totally not his train. He just came on because I was getting the train and of course, using his phone, and now he was gonna hop back on the train and train back to the station which we just came from and catch his proper train back.

Unless I wanted to go for a drink somewhere, he said.

Aw, how sweet, I thought.

We didnt go for a drink but aw., yay, now I have my very own ''he followed me on a train!' story, and that makes me smile.

Excerpt off a usually mean guy friend convo, trying to convince him to come to something.

"You should come. I have pretty friends."
"No, you're sure to have ugly friends."
"Coz Im ugly, right, I know. I-"
"No."
"I dont even know why I try with you."
"Iz, its because. Because usually, beautiful girls? They have ugly friends."

And he didnt even say "on the inside' after beautiful.

Perhaps he was just being kind. But it was nice to hear and a great topping off a generally okay day.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have

We heard the steps before we heard our dog barking.

I live with two boys and a girl. We have this tendency to watch movies in the dark and every room in the dark too. We also have this unfortunate tendency of living in a not so safe area, but with one of us home at every hour of the day, usually, and a heck of a good alarm and a dog, we've been luck so far, to escape the robbing spree occurring around our neighbourhood.

It was sorta exciting in that kind of OMGWEWEREALMOSTROBBED kind of way, where the boys ran out to try and catch the attempted burglars. There was an attempted break in at our back door.

The two boys I live with immediately grabbed their pseudo weapons (crowbars) and ran out. It was 11 pm. Jade and I locked ourselves in, and Jade's younger brother stayed behind with us.

This was planned. We found plastic bags which didnt belong to us outside, possibly to throw anything we had in, and imprints. Im glad I live with two foolhardy boys, in a way, because they were brave enough to check if the house was secure and made sure everything was good before locking up for the night.

Though Im sure we all slept with a lot more hesitation and just a tad bit more anxiety than usual last night.