she likes to rhapsodize about the most mundane of things

2007-02-22T08:49:00.000+08:00

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”- Joseph Campbell

Okay, after years of being on jadedjanuary nicks all over the friggin internet world, I am finally moving.

Ill be deleting this blog soon. So if you wish to follow my escapades or whatever it is that attracts readers to this blog, please email me at izzah.t@gmail.com and I will send you the link. =)

I promise it will be as purty as this blog.

2007-02-20T07:57:00.000+08:00

I think that my ability to get PERFECT in Soul Caliber, using absolutely every character (except Astoroth coz he's just heavy and slow) is a sign that I have a lot of inner rage going down.

2007-02-10T11:56:00.000+08:00

We don't see things how they are, we see things how we are- anais nin

I visited my blog- yes, *this* blog- today, and I was appalled at my layout. Why has no one told me how old and dry my layout is? It looked good to my 19 year old eyes but now it just feels pretentious to me. I have been using the exact same layout for the past two years. I think I need a change, and y'all will get that next week.

Like a lot of things lately, its strange how the layout I was so comfortable with at the time, feels so unwanted now.

2007-02-09T12:24:00.000+08:00

and if you find a love like mine/ just now and then drop a line/to say you’re feeling fine.
And when things go wrong/perhaps you’ll see you’re meant for me
I’ll be around when she’s gone. Billie Holiday

She's a runner, that one. The perfect prim and proper princess.

And she's the queen of unrequited love, be it the giver or the taker, either end of the spectrum, either end of both extremes. Its all she knows. To give love and not receive, or to receive love yet not give any.

Her past loves have come and gone and she has not quite forgotten the taste of their kisses. She could handle their desperate reaches for her physical self for she is ugly and sometimes it felt wonderful to be reached for and kissed, and sometimes she would succumb. But often, she would not, because in the not succumbing, there was power, and in that power, control.

Control was something she lost the first time she was in love, and the first time she had her heart broken, and she will die before she ever loses control again.

How childish. How can one love when one is too much in control?

Hush. Lets talk about her. Its not a discussion for us now, love, just her, all her.

Its quite sad to admit that at 21, thats all the love she knows. She's used to it, too used to it, to love and not be loved back, or to be loved and not love back. But never to love and be in loved in return. She's not quite mastered the art of requited love.

When in love, she must not let him love her. Thats the rule. She's used to the almost but not quite safety of loving someone wholeheartedly, yet without the tangles of real life and commitment, of the the future and the plans they must make. In the present, its fine, she knows he doesnt deem her worthy to be loved, and she is used to it that way. She is used to being in the background, but being there when he needs her. She knows he likes her, tolerates her even, and sometimes even craves her company. But if he so much as slips into loving her more than she loves him, their delicate balance will shift and she will ache to run free again.

When being loved, he must not know she loves him too. For she's used to the sanctuary of being loved and put on a pedestal, for though she knows she is flawed but in his eyes, in those trusting eyes, to him she is beautiful. And it is very rare for her to feel beautiful. She can do no wrong. She is an expert at making herself free (but not too free, cant make him know that to her, he is the world, and around him, her life revolves) for him and playing it just right. She blossoms in his prescence because it tickles her to think that for some reason, there has to be something about her thats tolerable, for why else would this boy profess to love her?

She collects their professions of love but doesnt know quite what to do with them. It is easier for her to be admired and share pleasantries and company, but it is hard for her to love and be loved in return. She is too damaged by the past and her past mistakes and mistakes thrust upon her and she has just not quite grown up. She is stuck in adolescence, almost, and thats quite a sad status to be given to a woman, stuck in the past and present.

Requited love is painful for her, has been painful for her, and she doesnt want it.

For when they fall for her and she falls for them, they see she is flawed, the pedestal she was on crumbles, the golden halo on her head was cheap gold painted. She's good at acting the part of the princess, its just that she cant keep up the charade once she lets her guard down.

The girl they thought she was becomes the girl she is, and its hard to say who was betrayed more here, the boy who realised the girl of his dreams doesnt quite fit into his reality or the girl who tested the boy of her dreams, would not let him in, and decided he was fit and loves him finally and hope that when he sees her, the real her, he would see beyond her facade and love her anyway, doesnt.

He loves the girl he fell for, the girl with a seemingly perfect life, with happiness and flowers and sunshine. He loves the girl she thought she was and was keen to be part of her world and this girl to be a part of his. He's with her, yet..he's taken, all the same. He's taken by the girl she was, and the girl she is just cant handle competing with herself, and before her can break her heart when he realises she is not what he envisioned, before they can go down the road of fixing what was broken, before they can be a couple and work through this together, she leaves. Before he can leave her.

And so it ends. And she runs again, waiting for the next unrequited love, because that, she can handle. She's an expert at being alone.

What did I tell you, in the beginning?

She's a runner that one, and she'll be one until she finds someone who will run with her, despite the flaws, can see past the facade and still love her anyway, from under the crumbled pedestal, cheap gold painted halo and all.

One day, maybe she will be more than a collector of cheap professions of love.

2007-02-01T17:30:00.000+08:00

“I’m gonna base this moment on who I’m stuck in a room with. That’s what life is. It’s a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.” – House, M.D. Episode 58 “One Room, One Day”

It has taken me 8000 days, give or take a few to get to where I am today.

I don't have a particularly bad life, no, far from it. It however is punctuated by bouts of highs and then a series of lows, but me, a person who has been equated to be one who wears her heart on her sleeve, can always always have a smile for you anyday.

Because my birthday is so early in the year, I have always never really celebrated it, other than when my parents organize something, which they do every year. But this year was the first time my parents could do nothing due to the geographical distance, which meant I had to take matters into my own hands.

Food. Check. Alcohol. Check. Great company? Check. Check and check.

My 21st has come and gone, and id write about it but writing about something sometimes takes away from the simple beauty of the event so just know I had a marvelous time, had friends over, went clubbing, played with balloons, tried my hand at bartending (oops, I put too much vodka, but the people didnt really complain about that :P), took manyt pictures which i will post up when I have the time, pimped my boys, danced the nite away, was very unsober and had lots of toasts to 2007.

Also, because my birthday is so early in the year, i always really have celebrated the 26th of january as the beginning of my year. And if things go by way of my 21st, 2007 should be a beautiful year.

Oh, oh, story time.

I was waiting at the train station when my phone went off because it was on low battery. I needed my phone because my friend was meeting me in the city and he had no idea where to meet me because in my ultimate wisdom, I told him Id call him where to meet me.
Thinking fast, I asked this random guy to lend me his phone. id swap sim cards and call my friend easy peasy.

..which didnt work because once I put my sim card in, there was a whole his phone couldnt read my sim situation.

My train arrived and the guy asked me if that was my train. I said yes.

So he got on with me and I used my phone finally.

We get to my stop, I return his phone, he doesnt get off.

Puzzled, I asked him why.

Guess what, the train we got on? Totally not his train. He just came on because I was getting the train and of course, using his phone, and now he was gonna hop back on the train and train back to the station which we just came from and catch his proper train back.

Unless I wanted to go for a drink somewhere, he said.

Aw, how sweet, I thought.

We didnt go for a drink but aw., yay, now I have my very own ''he followed me on a train!' story, and that makes me smile.

2007-01-23T12:09:00.000+08:00

Excerpt off a usually mean guy friend convo, trying to convince him to come to something.

"You should come. I have pretty friends."
"No, you're sure to have ugly friends."
"Coz Im ugly, right, I know. I-"
"No."
"I dont even know why I try with you."
"Iz, its because. Because usually, beautiful girls? They have ugly friends."

And he didnt even say "on the inside' after beautiful.

Perhaps he was just being kind. But it was nice to hear and a great topping off a generally okay day.

2007-01-22T15:33:00.000+08:00

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have

We heard the steps before we heard our dog barking.

I live with two boys and a girl. We have this tendency to watch movies in the dark and every room in the dark too. We also have this unfortunate tendency of living in a not so safe area, but with one of us home at every hour of the day, usually, and a heck of a good alarm and a dog, we've been luck so far, to escape the robbing spree occurring around our neighbourhood.

It was sorta exciting in that kind of OMGWEWEREALMOSTROBBED kind of way, where the boys ran out to try and catch the attempted burglars. There was an attempted break in at our back door.

The two boys I live with immediately grabbed their pseudo weapons (crowbars) and ran out. It was 11 pm. Jade and I locked ourselves in, and Jade's younger brother stayed behind with us.

This was planned. We found plastic bags which didnt belong to us outside, possibly to throw anything we had in, and imprints. Im glad I live with two foolhardy boys, in a way, because they were brave enough to check if the house was secure and made sure everything was good before locking up for the night.

Though Im sure we all slept with a lot more hesitation and just a tad bit more anxiety than usual last night.

2007-01-14T18:29:00.000+08:00

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. The Bible, Hebrews 13:2

My parents are visiting the Philippines for a week or so. My younger beloved brother decides to take this opportunity to DYE HIS HAIR LINDSAYLOHANLIKE RED.

*shakes head* And that was worth a 2 am phone call, my darling readers.

In other news, I have moved.

Moving into a house has shown me I have a lot, no really, a LOT of growing up to do, in terms of domestic living. I am used to living with students, students who are spoiled, students who cant cook, barely clean, students student students. Not with a couple who didnt attend university and therefore didnt get the memo that university students generally:

1) Need to be told about things like house alarms and how to turn them off. My fancy uni hostels never had them! And you guys really need to give me my own keys. I dnt care that you've lost my copy. Because I am a uni brought up person and I am used to getting home and leaving home anytime I want and Id like that priviledge and not have to call one of you up to make sure one of you is home so I can be let in.

2) Need not to be mocked when I prepare my 'meals' in the kitchen. Because I have survived 4 years with my atrocious kitchen skillz, I think thats SOMETHING to commend me on. Im sorry my nutella on toast and egg making skills are laughable. If you want to, you can teach me. You really dont have to laugh.

Heh :P

They have a dog, called Griffin, and another guy from Brazil, who lives here too. Theyre generally very nice. I love the house and Im so glad I was able to move in here.

Have I told you guys about New Years and Christmas? About how I went for a Christmas Eve service at a church which allowe dyou to pet animals and carry baby ducks rabbits and their excited male horse? About attending Christmas midnite mass with 3 non Catholics who were so sweet they kept asking me when the best times to sit/kneel/stand were? I didnt realise how very proper Catholic masses were until I attended a lot of Christian services. More in depth discussion on this next time.

Have I told you guys about marvelous Patrick, who had to go and bewith his family, but we had an amazing Christmas of our own on the 22nd, complete with a 'cooked' meal and presents. One of my best friends ever, and I am blessed to have him in my life.

If I havent told you about these, I havent told you about my amazing Katie Brooks, who I love/adore, who shared Christmas with me, and had her family shower me with presents, from her mom and step dad, to her brother, to her dad to her aunts and uncles, to her housemates...she gave a me a beautiful Christmas, complete with waking meup at dawn with Christmas music playing on vinyl outside with Christmas champagne, the very western tradition of opening presents by the tree with her mom's family (she has the most gorgeous siblings..tho they kept calling me Lizzie!), indulging me with a great lunch at her aunt and uncle's place (yay to her uncle to kept peeling prawns for me!) which had that boiled coins in yummy pudding tradition, and topping it all off with a great after Christmas day extravaganza with her friends and housemates, drinking and eating and playing ball on the grass.

Thank you, my Katie.

Christmas 2006 was truly one to remember.

I also joined another friend's family, Andre, for the day after Christmas dinner. I met his family and saw his family home, and we had a great meal. It was truly wonderful, and I didnt have to lift a finger. Australians are so laid back, its amazing.

I will never get used to this whole business of calling adults their first names tho.

A present for 2006 was having Stephanie over. From Gloucester Park to a great buffet ( I think I ate my weight in seafood! No joke! Mussels! Prawns!!!!!!! Desserts!!) at the Hyatt, to Northbridge street parties to Burswood, I must admit she is a trooper and a half. If she could take me everywhere, she would have. 2007 was cheered in with drinks and dancing, hopefully a good omen of things to come for 2007. I love you, Steph!

Lorraine is another darling who made sure January 1 2007 was to be one to remember and remember it I shall!

And thats probably the major highlights of the whole 12 days of Christmas. I could tell you about other instances, like my flatmate drink ups of absynthe and fairy bread haha, and of other strange reckonings, of my work parties (yes two!! i love my job!), of Kings Park BBqs and Cottlesloe beach and Fremantle touring with MATT. But for now, this will do.

It was all interspersed with calls/texts/emails/friendster messages/hi5 messages/facebook et all wishes that had me all teary and nostalgic.

As you get older, I think you cut away quantities of friends.

You cut away the fair weather friends, and the friends who are with you only for the gossip or the friends who are really just there when its convenient for them.

Lord knows we all have those.

I raise my glasses to my angels in Patrick, Andre, Katie, Stephanie and Lorraine. Thanks for sharing your lives with me.

Youve made the last few moments of 2006 and the beginning sparks of 2007 so beautiful.

And I have a good feeling about 2007.

2006-12-24T14:45:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas Eve day, both an eve and a day. A Christmas miracle!

Christmas,for the most part, these days, has lost whatever it was supposed to mean these days. Commercialism and gift buying has taken over. You join in the mad rush of finding the perfect present for just the right people, that adrenaline surge, the stress, the chaos, the worry, the penny pinching, the money budgeting, the blowing of the budget, the excitement of the entire season.

And underneath it all, all that is just toppings over the yayness of seeing your loved ones and celebrating with them. No matter what religion you are, Christmas, I believe anyway, just has that sense of goodwill that is easily caught by all, even if just a smidge.

I fall for it everytime.

Even if this is my first Christmas and New Years without my family. My 'adopted' families have made me feel loved.

Its been a long year, and I cant wait for 2007 to kick in.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

2006-12-11T11:08:00.000+08:00

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. Ellen Goodman (1941 - )

Im at work. And have to present next quarter's budget in 2 hours.I am going to be stabbed by certain departments, because I have to tell them they are over budget and most allocate them lesser funds next quarter to make up for it. And cut down on petrol allowance for some dodgy marketing reps who i suspect are abusing it. I understand why accountants are hated now.

Meh.

I had a fun two weeks since my last post, filled with laughther, dancing and love.

Outside the Hilton room friends and I stayed over at. Yay Khai.

You know a PussyCat Dolls mockery of buttons just had to be done.

Perth view from Kings Park.

Fun times.

Crazy ex flatmates, Aji, Lynne, Heather and I attacking Adrian, all whom I miss immensely.

Mummifying is fun.

Ah, the ladies, Michelle, Lorraine, Lynne, Natsumi and I.

Coz Ill miss Lorraine loads when she leaves back for Germany tomorrow.

Shruti's another lady Ill miss.

Ah, my Katie.

I didnt really kill this bird.

Sabrina's awesome.

Im awesome too.

Look how shiny.

I think when words fail me, I rely too heavily on pictures to hopefully let you guys have an idea of what Ive been up to.

Results are out soon and Im terrified.

2006-11-24T12:37:00.000+08:00

“Life should be lived so vividly and so intensely that thoughts of another life, or of a longer life, are not necessary.”~Marjory Stoneman Douglas~

Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders
We're getting in tune
The music's played by the mad men

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat

Sooner or later they all will be gone/Why don't they stay young
It's so hard to get old without a cause/ I don't want to perish like a fading horse

Youth's like diamonds in the sun/ And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn't happen today

So many songs we forgot to play/ So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young/ Do you really want to live forever, forever and ..

ever?

2006-11-12T02:09:00.000+08:00

In this world
love has no color
yet how deeply my life
was stained by yours~ Izumi Shikibu

I finally GET it, people!

Raise your hand if you can drive!

...

ALL of you can? Grr! =P

Ladies andgentlemen, in the midst of all this study and work mayhem (and btw, my boss gave me chocolates yesterday for being exceptionally hard working...which is weird, and I think western bosses arent used to us slightly more giving hard working asian employees, yet very sweet of him coz i think he saw i was quite down and pressured), I managed to somehow whinge about my lack of a license or driving skills just enough to get my friend to pull over while driving, into an empty parking lot and make me get into the driver's seat.

And drive.

It was so liberating.

Yes. At the age of 20 and then some months, I had never driven till that point in my life, 11:11 pm, Perth time at the Cole's parking lot. No one had ever cared or wanted to before this friend. And what a patiently wonderful teacher my friend is.

Okay, it was an illegal lesson. But freak that! I learned to start the engine, change gears, release handbrake, clutch handling and accelarator, reversing, parking, turning...all within a 40 minute span.

Of course I faltered. Of course I made the car stop every now and again. And pressed just a LITTLE too hard on the accelerator

But well,I GET it, people. I never did before and I always mocked it before. And I never had the itch to learn before. Till now.

I understand the addiction to driving now. Ive read stories,and Ive heard songs, that all sing of the fulfilment one gets from driving down a stretch of long road, of driving with no purpose of getting anywhere, of just...driving and letting it be.

I think when I get my license, Ill be one of those people who drive just to drive, and in the process, find new places, make new friends, and maybe find little bits of me here and there too.

2006-11-02T17:00:00.000+08:00

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
Jack Kerouac (1922 - 1969), "On the Road"

They said I'd never find someone better than him.
Screw you haters, I have.

They said I'd never have the guts to go paintball.
Screw you haters, I went a month ago and still have the freakin bruises to prove it.

They said Id never get through my accounting degree and scoffed when I told them I was doing accounting as oppose to what they believed I was more suited for, 'something in the media line because you talk so much, Izz.' They said Id probably flunk out of Accounting and switch to something 'easier'.

Screw you haters, I'm in my last week of my hopefully last semester of undergraduate studies.Accounting and Information Systems, baby, and Im *hopefully* graduating on time next february (pray for me? taxation is tough!:)

They said I had no chance of winning a post in Curtin Malaysia's student council last year, coz I was running independently and without a party, I didnt have enough support, I was using ugly pink posters yadayadayada.

Screw you haters, I got in. *thanks voters =)*

They said I would never be able to support myself or find a part time job in Perth that didnt entail waitressing or cashiering.

Screw you haters, I have a wonderful 9 to 5 office job doing accounts and my bosses and colleagues rock. And the only coffee I serve is my own, 2 spoons and 3 sugars.

They said Im too loud. Im too talkative. Im too reckless. Im too fat. Im too short. Im too confident. I dont have enough confidence. I care too much. I care too little. I laugh too loud. I cry too much. Im too sensitive. Im not sensitive enough. Im a prude. Im a tease. Im a nerd. I drink too much. I dance too much. I dont socialise enough.

Look.

Im never going to fit your idea of perfection.
Im never going to be what you want me to be.
Im never going to be all YOU aspire me to be.
What I can do, is be all that I can be.

And if that means cutting some people from my life...
If that means taking risks, for once in my life, taking risks...
Then so be it.

I will try and be all I can be. Not what you want me to be.
And dont YOU ever tell me otherwise.

2006-10-12T15:32:00.000+08:00

"So don’t explain ‘cause I know exactly what you’re going to say; big words, recycled phrases, and the bittersweet taste of other girls on your lips."

Pictures. Finally.

Theyre me posing in my dress. No proper hair, no makeup, no proper heels, no accessories, no nothing.

Rottnest. Ah. Bliss.

Thats us being monkeys in the tree.

Me in my hole on the beach.

Thats me at the villa balcony at Rottnest island, pre shisha+ alkeehol, post beach.

At a birthday party. I swear Im not gone.

2006-10-09T03:29:00.000+08:00

"It always ends. That's what gives it value." -Death, about life

Perth has really horrible shopping hours. All the shopping centres and related retail businesses close down by 5 pm every day except Friday nite. Which SUCKS. Really.

Take yesterday, for example. I was looking for a proper formal dress. Which didnt happen as I was politely asked to leave the store because apparently it was closing time! GRR!!

On that note, have you ever heard the term 'retail therapy'? Well, thats exactly what I indulged in yesterday and it was beautiful. I got myself some gorgeous mini skirts (my legs benefit from years of not wearing them so I have sexy mark free legs and heels too boot), tops, cardigans and random things which are unncessary, but yayness overall. Im such a girl.

I spent the equivalent of 600 RM. WHich isnt much here. But maaaan, Ive never spent so much in one go, its such a squee feeling spending my OWN money. My boss is so nice and pays me well.

Announcement: I have given up tequila. My little island tryst included a game which involved downing shooters upon shooters of the stuff and my stomach literally gave up on me for 24 hours. From now on, sticking to my vodka mudshake, baileys, margueritas and vodka anything. And the occasional JD with coke.

I adore Youtube. As i have now watched the first two episodes of One Tree Hill season 4 and Greys Anatomy from it! My thoughts on them are: ICANTBELIEVEHOWTHEYREUSESTORYLINESONOTHSTUPIDSTUPIDTHEY
HAVETOLETGOOFPEYTONSINCREDIBLEEXTRARELATIVESDEBSDRINKING
BROOKEBEINGSTUPIDJEALOUSPEYTONBEINGSOGIVINGLUCASGIVINGUS
THATSLINTYEYEANDRACHELBEINGSOFREAKINGSLUTTAY, and MCDREAMYVSMCSTEAMYGOFORMCSTEAMYADDISONIZZYSTOPSTANDING
OUTSIDEMCVETSTOPFIGHTINGFORGREYCOMETOMEEE.

*ahem*

There was a pasar malam nite at Curtin University, Perth. Ok, it wasnt very pasar malammy, it was too cold for that, WInter really hasnt left yet. Though Spring is slowly but surely taking over. Ill miss the cold and the opportunity to hide under layers of clothing.

Ive discovered Lalisse anti break out serum. Its beautiful and I recommend it to all who feel my yuckacneyuck pain. Rottnest pictures will be uploaded this week. As well as a heckuva load of pictures from my other australian misadventures and then some, so yay? I swear it. It will provide a relief from my bladeblahdeblahness and tendency to go on and on and on and on...

Now, about that ball dress.

There is this boy. There is this ball.

And a mutual friend asked us both present at a table during dinner one nite to attend said ball.
It is going to be on October 14th.

Now, this said boy said of course he would come. And proceeded to ask me if I was going too. And giddy with the anticipation of seeing said boy in a sexay suit and such, I said I was going too.

Now, when I went home, I wasnt sure if said boy and I were actually going TOGETHER. You see, that was very vague in itself. We had been at that time, on one date. Its just known that I was going. He was going. But he didnt ask me to be his date or anything. I didnt even know if we'd be at the same table, for goodness sakes. Or even if Id SEE him, or if he would even want to see me.

Until said mutual friend said that said boy sent her an email requesting 'Please put Izzah and I in the same table'. Hee.

The question still remained however, if he and I were going TOGETHER or seperately.
This was sorted out today when he called me up and asked me how I'd like to go and what color my dress was.

Surprised, I asked him why he wanted to know what my dress color was. I even wondered if he was you know. Not straight. I would have died.

And I swear, I never in my life ever thought that one of the most quasi romantic things ever uttered to me by a boy would be what he said after. Sure, I have had the "to me, you are beautiful" and "i love you. now shut up and deal with it" moments.

But what he said next made me tingle, and this is embarassing, because its not even very romantic. It is sweet at best.

He said and I quote,"Well, um. I know I should have called about this earlier. It just occured to me that I thought you'd like us to be color coordinated."

*swoons*

Okay, he didnt exactly say we were dates.

*Pathetic*

Thats it, I need a proper love life. Email me one asap. ;)

I just reread all that and realised how 13 that made me sound. Its vaguely scary that no matter how much older you get, all things love related can still render u an adolescent all over again.

Dont think Im very sad by the way. You know, there are other boys I could tell you about. There were superficial first dates with other boys which had me cross them off the SECOND date short list because they didnt really...They didnt really interest me, and just because they want me doesnt really mean I want them in my future. They are boys who call me, text me, ask to take me out, want to see me more etc etc. Theyre smooth. And past experience has really taught me not to trust the smooth ones.

I could tell you stories about other boys. But theyre not really relevant, nor do I want to remember them in a few years.

They dont make me tingle like this one does.

Or I could just be having hormonal surges. ;)

AND by the by...to refrain from sounding like a complete idiot..

Ive cleared all my mid semesters. Hahah! And my employer just offered to sponsor me a working visa, so I can stay and work in Australia upon graduation. Heh. Lets hope this works out. prayers! And if it doesnt work out, its fine.

But just the fact that my employer was so willing? Hey. Im appreciative. Opportunities like these dont happen every day.

Summer months are coming up. And my goal this summer is to learn to surf. And you know. Sort out this visa issue. Gragh!

And buying that dress. Yay!

2006-09-28T09:28:00.000+08:00

when darkness has turned to gray

Ever noticed how when youre in a conversation with someone, theyre not *really*listening to what youre saying and neither are you *really* listening to them. I tested this out the other day when I was in one of my ironic moods and I talked to one person after another and in the midst of a chat, I just inserted a completely absurd offhand comment and it just simply didnt register to them and they went,"oh, blahblah blah" or if it DID register, they continued with an absurd story of their own,leading off with "really? well you wont BELIEVE what happened to ME when..."My island excursion was beautiful. It was eleven of us who went, we went via bus, train and boat and it was soo much fun, getting there itself. We rented out a villa for a night, would have been longer, but everyone had work the next day so that didnt happen. I went on the beach for the first time since I got here. We all swam in the freezing ocean. And I made a hole. Lol. And we sunbaked. Im tan all over again. I love the sun.We smoked shisha by the beach. We went cycling. I went aqua biking. We played funny drinking games. We had another mock proposal and a wedding. Haha. We met new people and picked flowers. We got glow in the dark sticks and played on the beach. We took random photos. We all bonded just a little bit more.
We didnt do anything mind altering. Not really. But for 48 hours, we were away from Curtin University and Perth, and we werent just young adults working towards our degree, we were young care free friends, and it felt like one of those american getaway from it all movies and it was good.
As for my work, my boss is picking me up in an hour to go over the new terms of my work. That should be interesting, I think. *nervous*

2006-09-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

So Ive been working hard at work, you know.
Juggling it with university.
And I was trying to give my all and do a good job.
But my boss took me aside today and looked at me seriously and told me he had to talk to me later.
Which kinda freaked me out.
But he left before we could talk.
I had a feeling it was about the fact that I wasnt performing well. I was scared.
He called me ten minutes ago.
And offered me a different position.
To move to a different position within the company. One involving much much accounting.And that it was what he wanted to offer me when e first hired me ages ago anyway but only now did they get the contracts or whatever.
And he wanted to offer it to me before thinking of hiring anyone else.
Guys.
Im freakin speechless.

2006-09-20T16:47:00.000+08:00

Im not trusting myself to go grocery shopping again unsupervised! I went with every intention of buying just detergent and coke and I came home with a receipt thats my arms length and then some. Grr. FINE if I had good heathful things but I checked and I haaaave tim tams, cookies, chips, calamari, prawns, body scrub, fudge, mousse, ice cream, cake boxes and strawberries? What the?!

Random.

so we have yet another week free coming up here and my friends and i, we decided, what the hell, lets throw some money away together and go away to a nice pretty island off the aus coast. Lets swim and lets drink and lets be young and lets be stupid, gosh knows I dont do anything stupid *sarcasm* :P. Its warming up here so the weather should just be perfect for cycling, swimming, you know, things other than the unhealthy activities of shisha drinking dancing that we've all been up to of late. Ive already warned the girls that anyone not in a bikini top gets their t shirts cut off.

And you think Im jokin.

Rarely do all, as in ALL 20 or so of the friends Ive made over the past 3 months here and I ever really have the time to see each other and it was fantastic that last weekend, we did. We piled up in 4 cars and over the course of two days and two nites, we went partycrashing and randomness and joyriding and meals and club hopping and even tried our luck at a casino. Okay, I didnt. But I watched and cheered them on and blew kisses. Im more of a dancer myself and i guess dancing is a high Ive come to appreciate. Generallly it was just a weekend I enjoyed muchly and there will be memories to treasure and use as blackmail. hehe.

I know I havent really written anything substantial of late. But Im happy. And I think I only write my indepth blogs that I became noted for when Im not.

Ill let you all know when Im depressed again.

2006-09-13T14:54:00.000+08:00

"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, You greedy motherf*cker, Ive got nothing for you."-John Mayer

I am going pole dancing next week.

How fun is that?

My girls and I are planning to bring lots of monopoly money. Plans of stuffage and hilarity galore. And if the boys are lucky they get a free show afterwards. Hahahaha.

On that note, I have a 50% midsemester in 2 hours.

Midsemesters ruin my fun.

2006-09-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

Switching from l'oreal facial wash to neutrogena seems to be doing me a wonder. Tea tree oil helping more than I expected, and bioessence's deep marvel masks are soooo soothing. Moisturizers are my new best friend. Body scrubs are rejuvenating. I love the body shops liquid foundation. Eyeliners are my thing. And schwarwhatchamallit hair masks seriously help make my hair sooo shiny and soft.

Tell me what you use.

My point here is that whenever I was tired of it all, I binged on food. I could spend the entire night slowly going thru the contents of my refridgerator and even my reserves. Id snack on nutella on toast and bananas, hot dogs and mee goreng, whole wheat bread and chocolate, ice cream with milo on top, roti johns, ahh, kill me with the calories, I binged and yes, I binged. I never felt horrible afterwards unlike other bingers, I dont know why not.

But lately, binging doesnt really have the same oomph. Though I tried, you know. I tried to make do with lemony fish fillest, meat pies, frozen cheesecakes and then some. But maybe its because Ive been at it for so long in my life that now its just not...fulfilling, if thats possible. I dont feel as good, I feel rotten and bloated.

But when I do my facial masks and pedicures and whatever not, just lock my self in my room and listen to music and read and just have me time, I just feel so rejuvenated.I spend so much time out and about that I dont think that Im abusing my body by not pampering it. Eating too much is becoming something Im slowly having to face isnt good for me (:P) and I get fuller faster here probably due to the whole bigger portions thing.

But pampering me is good....and I cant believe I just updated you guys...about this.

2006-09-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

the night is the hardest time to be alive, and 4 a.m. knows all my secrets

My flatmate made cookies with weed meshed in with the cookie dough and didnt tell me when I was happily eating them, because really, when have I ever declined food? So now due to this ignorance and her telling me AFTER I ate about 7 cookies, I now have weed in my bloody system. -_- Way to go, izzah.

I really do not see the *point* of weed.

By the by, it was week free!!

..and I didnt get a whole lot done. I spent it working at my job and by the end of the work week, I was exhausted. Holding down a 9 to 5 job is not easy, and Im feeling the pinch of juggling work with study. But I can earn more in a week here than a month back home. Australia has too much money.

I love shisha. Its just too good. Especially when youre just chillaxing with a good group of marvelous friends.

I am on facebook and new pictures are up there if anyone would care to look and I have also sent them out to some of you. If any of you want pics of my australian adventure so far sent personally, yell here and I will send them via email. Photobucket hates me and I cant load anything up.

Even though Im in curtin Australia, the bloody censors still affect my usage!!! -_-

I went running yesterday. It felt good to sweat. And not club induced sweat either. lol

And pictures wise, two seperate people commented that I looked...happy.

And perhaps for the first time in a long while, I really quite am. :)

2006-09-04T14:02:00.000+08:00

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20349888-2,00.html

Steve Irwins dead.

And plutos no longer a planet.

I dont like this past few days so far.

2006-08-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

Maybe for life keeps and maybe just for now

Strange how in a month I have progressed from updating you from my Miri home to my Kota Kinabalu home to my Perth home and now from my Perth workplace.

I have a job, and Im officially a 'sales coordinator' for WA Woman Magazine (u know, a fancy name for telemarketing/ receptionist ;) ) and its been bliss so far. I love talking on the phone and I get paid by the hour plus comission and theres coffee and tea freeflow and on my first day I was given a bottle of white wine to take home. I love the working world so far!

As for the uni world, its been hard juggling uni with work AND a social life. An example of a typical nites out would be me having a flat party at a friends place, club hopping, eating out and staying out till the wee mornings. Its been fun, you know?

Im loving it a lot, and Ive made a couple of reeally wonderful friends. Maybe for life keeps and maybe just for now, but theyre pretty spiffy so far.Im missing my friends back in Miri, the familiarity of it all, you know? But I do love the new life being presented to me and I wont mask my happiness.

Though I really really am tired. I collapsed on Sunday ten am and didnt get up till Monday 7 am. Hows that for fatigue?

2006-08-21T16:45:00.000+08:00

Meredith: You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared, because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
greys anatomy

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,20181317-2761,00.html

Thats what they never warn you about, you know.In the midst of my adventures, discovering Perth and travelling alone to and from job hunts, it didnt occur to me that danger could be at my doorstep,literally, at 6.50 am yesterday, and see how it says Kent Street? I live at 209 Kent Street, and its right beside where I live. The flat that was broken intp is flat 41. Im at flat 6. The laundry room is about a hundred metres from me. And the girl punched is my friend.

You know,Ive been doing fairly risky things. Going via bus to the clubbing areas, walking around late looking for a taxi back. Taking the bus and train alone when Im on a job hunt. Walking back from friends accomodations late at night alone.

Ive been pretty lucky so far, and now Ive smartened up and I hope I can be even luckier still. Dont get me wrong, Ive heard the horror stories and I knew to be careful but Ive been fairly ignorant. It just hits home when it happens to a friend, thats all.In other news, none of the restaurant jobs I wanted wanted me.

Seems I am incapable of being a waitress.

I just couldnt handle being bossed around :P

So hah at the fact that I got a 9 to 5 office job. HAH.In your face, bitchy restaurant boss woman! HAHA!

Everyone says Im lucky as yay, I dont have to sell burgers or fry fries or clothes!

Ahem.

I hope I can handle working while studying.

2006-08-09T14:35:00.000+08:00

Im afraid to know Im always on your mind
-Howie Day 'Collide'

Remember how Im supposed to be smart?

Smart enough to know not to walk brazenly out a cold winter day in a skirt and flip flops and a camisole over a thin strappy top, right?

Smart enough not to eat lots of unhealthy yet yummily tempting junk food that Australia seems to be crazy about in quick successions?

Smart enough not to decide to go dancing till 4 am and still manage to get up for class at 9 am?

Smart enough not to blow budget on unnecessary things like say, tickets to parties, paintballing, laser tag (you would think Ive outgrown that stuff :P), various nites and eating out, shopping for 'essentials', river cruises, movies and the like?

Smart enough to actually stock up on groceries so in the middle of the night, when Im starving, I wont be stuck with honey and oranges and tim tams ? :P

Smart enough to actually understand that I dont HAVE to say yes to every single invite thrown my way?

And to actually you know, sleep?

No, not smart enough.

I know Im coming down with a fever. And Ive got such an exciting weekend lined up too! Nooo!

Pictures promised next update, Ehon bro.

2006-08-05T23:20:00.000+08:00

"I love him, and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him, I just don't know if I'm ready for the rest of my life to start now." - NG

I have been having lots of fun here. And if I write about it, youll all kick me, so I wont. Or I will later, but for now....Im on a job hunt! Mwahahah!

So, my class schedule is pretty spiffy, only having them Mondays to Wednesdays.

"Whatcha gonna do the rest of the time?" my friend asked.
"Sleep! Party! Yay!" I answer with glee.
"Hey, I have an idea, lets go look for a part time job!" she suggests.

I ponder, why the freakin not. With the current exchange rate of Philippine pesos to
Australian Dollars blinding me and causing me to stop myself from even converting
in my head everytime I make a purchase anymore ("Omg, 11 Aud for beef rendang, thats like 33 RM!" and "Aha! A cute top and its only 20 Aud! Bargain! Waitaminit, thats like 60 Malaysian RM which translates to times 15 Philippine peso *semi faints*) so on and so forth) lest I have a mild heart attack.

Its a cool idea, and will give me something semi useful to do, as wellas a chance to experience 'working'. Obviously I'll try for a good office job but frankly at this point, any job is fine with me, and Australia pays so ridiculously well, but Im guessing thatsbecause of the high cost of living they have succumbed people to.

So, said friend and I decide to crank out our resumes together over arnotts tim tams (2 Aud! Bargain! 6 rm..NEVERMIND!) and mini home made brownies and cocktail mixes. We pore over our resumes, apply for work visas together and even get nifty tax file numbers.

I tell my parents and theyre surprised that me, who has never worked a proper day job in her life, who calls home to send money every week back in Malaysia (because I overspent yet again), has decided to lift a finger and actually do work. Dad wondered if I had been cloned but said he was proud of my iniative, while my mothers response was more,"Whatidyougetlostinthecitywhydontyouaskyourfriendstowork
withyouohnowhatifyougetmuggedwhileyourecommutingohnobabydontwork
illjustsendyoumoremoneydontmakemeworrylikethisBLURB!"

*sighs* Oh, Mother.

On Thursday, we then trooped out to a part of Perth we knew had lots of job opportunities. And we had in hand photocopies of our resumes. And we went ALL over, my feet were hurting >_< color="#ff0000" size="5">Never again will I be mean to my waitress. Its harried work o_0 When they told us we could go, we ran, even though we had potentially very hot boy co workers who distracted me very the much. Perks of working? More social opportunities, and the boys were from University of Western Australia, so wahoo, a whole new campus of cuties to look at. But like i said, the onetraining us was the bitchy fiancee of the manager and well, that presented a problem, with the trainer not really being very nice or happy with me and my friend while the manager liked us..I betcha she wont give him the go ahead to call us back :P

We decided we wanted the cafe behind the counter job. We both trooped home by bus from the cty, and we felt all grown up *shutup* and it was late and Im beginning to understand the Perth transport system now, wahey! I have a great sense of direction, I never knew that! I was always getting lost somewhere in Miri, Manila, Brunei, KK, but here, I found my way, strange enough o_0

Maybe its because its anecessity and no one can ;'save'; me anymore...I miss my friends who used to mother me.

Anyways, like I said, we both wanted that cafe job.

They called me today. I was still sleeping and they asked me to come in at 12 noon. I whoop with glee. Until I realised it was already 11 am and I had said I was coming in and theres no way I can make it to the city in an hour so I had to sheepishly call them back and say I couldnt make it but could I come in another day and they said sure so meh, way to make a bad first impression.

So, Im going for training at this poshyish cafe tmrw, yay. I call my friend to check if she got the call too.Ime xcited, thinking we both got called, we both are gonna go, we both are gonna have so much fun...

She didnt get the call.

Aw, damn.

Now what?

2006-07-31T04:24:00.000+08:00

Ive been in denial for far too long!

I have a sleeping problem.

My flatmate, who Ive been living with for a total of a week, just confronted me and asked me in simple terms, "I hear you leave during the day, so youre not home. I see your lights on and hear your music blasting during the night so u cant be asleep. Unless you sleep with lights on and music blasting of course. Are you nocturnal, DO you sleep, and IF you sleep, WHEN do u sleep?!"

Lol.

2006-07-29T01:47:00.000+08:00

"I love to love, my hips dont lie and.."

Its so cold tonight. My breath turns into steam when I speak.

I should be sweaty. I just danced my ass off for two full hours. But the cold weather helped and found myself sneaking to the heater and dancing there coyly till my friend said, "Youre cheating and dancing for the heat!!" :D

I met sooo many people. Head hurts! I swear I wont remember them tomorrow.

I've just been to the university pub, The Tavern. How odd to have a pub within a university. It was so much fun though. The DJ's are nice and we kept requesting songs over and over.

By 'we', I meant myself, two germans, one half filipina-half german, two french and girl from Mauritius. Fun mix.

And the boys here are beautiful. My eyes are tired.

I dont drink as much here. I think Im still extra cautious about my surroundings and partying way too hard. Way to burn myself out before the sem even begins!

Tomorrow,Im going on a river cruise! And clubbing! My first time! In Perth! For both things! :D

I will try and post pictures soon. Andthen Monday comes, and the semester starts and thats when things get serious and you shall see me screaming WHHHHHY? :P

2006-07-26T17:06:00.000+08:00

Massive is a word that I picked up when I met Anne and Jon last year. And its a word Ive been using a lot here in Perth, describing everything from the portions of the food "its MASSIVE!" to the Curtin Bentley campus "omg, its massive!!" to just about everything and it manages to apply.

The world is massive and I feel really happy Ive been given the chance to experience it outside of my tiny Miri scope.

Its colder than I expected it to be, sometimes hitting 1 degree celcius. But that just gives me the excuse to use winter clothing, doesnt it, and Ive been getting funky with coats, scarves and boots. Loving it, as Ive never had the chance to wear such back in Miri. Im working it, babes.

Visited lots of places already and I feel so grateful to the people who have toured me around. Unbelievably wonderful people. And I have the best flatmates too!

Ive met a lot of former Curtin Miri students, and its been a blast and a half catching up. Perths a very pretty city and one good thing about it is that its not too huge to be intimidating and distracting and yet not too small to be reminiscent of Miri.

Not that Im not missing the people I left behind. I came alone.

But Miri of late has been associated with things that have made me either cry too many tears or been numbed beyond any possible other feeling. I loved the people that I loved (if that makes sense) but there was this desperate overwhelming shroud of sadness all around me there, which I just couldnt shed, no matter who I met or what I did. My reputation preceded me and my happiness was something that had been taken away a long time ago.

Ive been here a week. And in that span of time, Ive somehow been happier than Ive been in a year.

And thats saying something.

Now, Im starting operation sydney. Details later.

2006-07-24T14:09:00.000+08:00

So, apparently, my birthdate is similar to Australia (January 26), which is an interesting tidbit mentioned to me everysinglefreakingtime someone finds out thats the case. :P

So, its my 5th day in Perth. I have managed to go to the city twice, to Harbourtown, Fremantle and am planning to visit Cottesloe beach and Swan Valley and Kings Park all this week. Met up with Anne, Gretchel, Isla, Deedee, Katie (all on separate occasions)and its just been a whirlwind of fun, really.

Ive tried Gloria Jeans, Dome, seafood, meats and the asian food is NOT good here, bring me back to Malaysia for that -_-. And its really cold, which Ive used to my advantage so i can be wonderful and use scarves, boots and coats and jackets which would have otherwised been laughable combinations back in Miri. Ive learned the art of layering too so Im not as cold as I was when I first landed.

And Ive been introduced to uh, doonas and heaters. It was funny when I arrived at accomodations, I was wondering where my aircon was.

Its such a long walk from my place to uni. But I figure Ill lose weight this way. :D Coz Im eating even more because its SOCOLD. It hits 1 degree celcius, can you believe it?

Quite a bit of an exciting time I'm having.

Met so many people that Ive learned to use the word 'mate' to replace their name when I cant remember what their name is. Shh.

I still have to keep pinching myself that Im here, really. Im loving it so far.

2006-07-19T23:06:00.000+08:00

Ok.

Four flights in three days?

Really, really, and I stress, really, not recommended.

I think I give off a very weird vibe when I travel, by the freaking way. The strangest people approached me in three different airports o_0. Seriously.

And an old Aus man who seemed really nice started talking to me about the places I should visit in Perth, then he mentioned that I must frequent the nude beach and I just decided to veer away at that point. Not sure if he was mocking me. I didnt think Perth had nude beaches?

I miss my mom!!!

Royal Brunei Airlines? Props to your lunch meal :D...even if I think I sorta broke
your entertainment screen. It wasnt my fault! iT JAMMED! During a movie too!

*humph*

So, I havent seen very much of perth, having arrived oh, 4 hours previously. (and already am blogging, hahaha). Thanks to the lovely Mei Hui, who graciously picked meup from the airport and whose place Im crashing at for the nite. I was lost, btw, as I was ALONE *cries* and was waiting for her outside and it was COLD and i ended up scaring an Aussie couple by asking them if I could use their phone to call her, I think they were worried for a second that I was gonna run off with it, HMPH!

So, as I was saying, I was eating my delicious airline food which had like a great salad and bread and when..oh wait, no, I wasnt on about that, I meant I got off the Perth airport, and I was pretty much lost, and I was only in a 3/4 sleeve top and jeans and when I exitted the airport, I was HIT by how cold it was.

I love the cold!!

Aaaand. Found Mei Hui, after making that call from that nice Aus couple.

And now I'm in Perth. So you can redirect your hate mail/fan mail, prayers and such to the Western Australian region, okay?

And dont be disturbed.

And maybe I'm wrong.

Like, really wrong.

But we drove around for a bit, in the evening.

And well, between me and you, the suburbs area? The roads? And all?

It looks a lot like..Brunei.

Before I realised this, I was stressed yet excited, worried yet happy, and all those contradictions, u know? And for some reason, that realization just made me feel like everything will be okay.

Aha, Mei Hui just told me Perth city is more westernized.

We shall see.

I've got lots of time to kill before classes begin and I really am excited. This sem seems to give me a feeling of promised fun and happy moments.

And we shall see. :D

2006-07-09T20:31:00.000+08:00

The supermodels, Willy? That's all they are. Bottled promise. Scenes from a brand new day. Hope dancing in stiletto heels.
{this is in the Taking Back Sunday song "Great Romances of the 20th Century"}

So, on my flight to KK from Miri, I got really pissed off when my mother called me up just before boarding to make sure I "didnt get on the wrong plane and end up in God knew where."

I scoffed and said that I was blur but honestly,mother I am NOT that vacant.

So I got on the plane and wasnt perturbed at all, reading one of my loads of chick lit that I havent read in ages, due to my busy semester, eating my cashews.

..until the captain said,"Welcome to Labuan."

And for a brief 5 seconds, I swear i freaked out and the thoughts,"OMG I actually DID it! GOTON THEWRONGFLIGHT!Mom is SO gonnalaugh at me! Dads gonna kill me! Shit, who do I know that I can bunk in Labuan with till I get a flight out? Oh noooo!"

..THEN I realised it was a transit flight. So all was right with the world again! :D

In other news, I love being irresponsible again. Years living away from home has really made me independant in all senses of the word. And thats the problem. I know how to survive on my own. But not with anyone else. Oops.

Ill be a tad busy this week. Please shout out a prayer about my upcomin results to any of your divine powers that be and higher deitys for me, PLEASE! But Ill be busy handling some things but I shall be back in the blogging world soon enough.

A short hiatus is just something I need.

And Wenthworth Miller is SO The Fine.

2006-07-08T02:30:00.000+08:00

and all one really knows of anothers life are the places where their life touches your own

Top ten signs your addicted to blogging

10. You check your blog stats a LOT. You occasionally get up in the middle of the night and sneak a peak.

9. Your significant other suspects you are having an affair with your blog. Even when you’re alone with your special person, you do find yourself thinking what your blog might be doing right then…

8. You “mental blog” while driving or on the train, and sometimes even when you are alone in the shower.

7. You filter everything through your post-writing. You can’t watch a movie, see a play, read an article, or share a sweet moment with your child without thinking of whether it’s blog-worthy.

6. You suffer from “blog envy” when another blogger posts something juicy before you do. You suffer “comment envy” when said post gets 40-something comments – the jerk!

5. You “binge blog” 3 or 4 posts at once—only to feel guilty and empty afterward.

4. You ditched all your real friends for blog friends, because, well, “they understand.” You bypass Bowling Alone at the bookstore (who really cares?) while you reach for Naked Conversations.

3. You think, “I can stop at any time.”

2. Your lunch hour has become your “blog hour.” You keep a few posts tucked in your desk in case you need them during the day.

1. After 5 minutes of meeting someone really interesting you ask, “So - do you blog?”

-----

I scoff at this! I laugh!

Okay, in retrospect, damnit, maybe with my lifejournal, my friendster blogs and other blogs scattered around, perhaps, maybe just MAYBE Im a teensy bit addicted. -_-

2006-07-04T11:37:00.000+08:00

There is something very liberating about throwing on your biggest jacket, thong slippers and your weirdest skirt and walking into town like that and enjoying SUPERMANOMG, coffee at coffee bean and pizza with a really great person who doesnt even seem to mind that you look like a mess, that your hair looks like haywire and your makeup doesnt look right and youre pretty much in limbo about a ton of things ranging from my visa to my family and they still manage to make you feel beautiful.

But you know what? It was nice.

For a brief day, I felt like I was okay again. And I havent felt that way in a while. And I realised I missed that feeling a lot.You know. Being okay.

In other news, hitting KK in three hours. yay!

2006-07-04T02:38:00.000+08:00

And I ask you, what twist could u NOT have seen coming in the superman movie? :P

My big brother would have loved that. Someone actually got killed by having been hit by a piano! :D

I was annoyed the kid didnt do anything more than push the piano. I loved the anti smoking campaign I loved how gentle he flew with lois. I loved the homage to the past superman films via the blowing ofthe cig, the flying with lois and to the sun for recharge and marlon brando. But I didnt like when the dead jor el couldnt tell kevin spacey wasnt his son, it was justwrong for me somehow like with all that technology there should have been at least a DNA check on who gets to talk to jor el and get all teh secrets and step into the fortress of solitude!

Kate bosworth was omg perfect as Lois.icouldnt even hateJames marsden who usuallyis smarmy and hateworthy in any role.

It was campy.It was corny at parts and predictable at others. LOVED when they were all "clarks 6 ft 3..superman 6 ft 3..how much would superman weigh.what about clark?hmm..." NAH! hahahahaha.

And they left the curl in his hair!

I dont care what my date said. It wasnt that bad, it was just that you shouldnt walk in expecting a mindblowing film. It wasa good feel god film, and I liked when he asked Lois what she heard and she said nothing and he said he heard everything...

And call me silly but that theme song still somehow manages to give me goosebumps.

Im such a fangirl. :D

This entry was all about superman because superman is hawt.

2006-07-02T08:39:00.000+08:00

~and I stood on those steps with my heart in my hands~

And so with the knockout of England AND Brazil, only Italy, Portugal, Germany and France head to semi finals. Its not the world cup anymore, its the Euro Cup all over again, and we all know France will win, even if Germany gives them a run for their money.

Thus ends my fascination with the world cup.

The fever cools.

But the lust er love for Kaka remains.

In other news, Amilyn wrote me a nifty mini biography, and sure it was an assignment, but it was still marvelously sweet of her to pick me although a friend did mention that he felt this mini biography would just give me delusions of grandeur. I'll post it up one day when she gives me permission.

You know what sucks about a broken heart?

When you find out that it can still be broken even more. It can still be skewered through, stomped on, pierced and crumpled.

A girl told me that when she's in a relationship she feels like its her and him against the world. I told her, nay, its not about that, its about your world and his world colliding.

I had a facial. It was painful. And I baked a cake.

Im so random in tis entry.

2006-06-30T05:53:00.000+08:00

how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you - the fray

Life's so messy right about..

Now.

2006-06-27T21:25:00.000+08:00

and maybe larger than life is just the right size

Whenever i say Im a nomad, sometimes it makes me sad because I wish I wasnt constantly running from where Ive been to find a place where i can belong.

How in the world is it possible for me to be so healthy so virile so young..yet so unhappy?

Im constantly in search of ways to be happy. But what is happiness anyway? Is it the feeling of being loved, of accomplishment, of contentment? Having enough friends or having more than enough? Having wealth in ways one never thought possible or achieving fame in other ways? Is happiness something intangible with no specific meaning? Its true that one person's happiness is anothers heartache. That could be why we're all so unhappy. That feeling of being in limbo, trying to adjust what we want and what we really need.

I've managed to come to terms about why I may be unhappy. I think its got a lot to do with Ifs. If my parents hadnt uprooted from Brunei and had me lose a constant in my life, if my family was still in one place and not in various parts of Borneo, if I hadnt pushed away people who could have loved me and I could have loved because I feared it all, if I had a proper circle of friends and hadnt depended on myself too much, if I hadnt depended on people who werent geographically present but somehow still felt so THERE, if only I had concentrated on the present more than the past and the future, if only my mom and dad werent contsnatly in 3 different places every month, from Brunei to KK or Philippines, if only my lil brother wasnt in KK, if only my older brother wasnt in brunei and planning to leave, if only my childhood caretaker was still around, if only if only if only if only..

The if only's could kill someone.

Some say home is where the heart is. But I dont know where my home is. I havent lived in the Philippines long enough for me to ever feel comfortable there, my parents have left brunei and I graduate from Miri soon. So it stands to reason that at the same time I've misplaced my heart just a little along the way.

In other news, Matet, thanks for the fabulous weekend and time you showed me in brunei. I think I really abused your hospitality there ;) Thanks, babe, I had a fabulous time.

And now Im nomadding at Stephs place. Hee.

I need to snap myself out of the doldrums. Its the holidays, after all.

2006-06-24T05:51:00.000+08:00

Because I never have photos here are photos taken from a friends cam just today. Be thrilled. Im bunking in a friends place in Brunei.

Its ike the obligatory cam/mirror shot!

Poser.

Its all about the hair.

Im off to bed. Finally. The sun is rising :/

2006-06-24T05:11:00.000+08:00

You would think that with the numerous events that have happened to me of late, I would have more to blog about, but you know what, I dont.

I could write about many things such as the night I forked out less than ten bucks for numerous amounts of baileys and tequila poured down my throat, the depressing three days I spent locked in my room (of course with the bathroom breaks but no ingestion of any food substance) simply sleeping and feeling protected by a thin layer of blanket from the harsh harsh world and the realization that no one knew or cared I was doing that because I felt, in all senses of the word, depressed, well that kinda made me suck it up and get out. I could write about my playing a dangerous game with a guy and having it burn me in the process and then having me rebound to the nearest nicest guy which then hurt him in the process. I could write about my units not making any sense of sense to me this semester because everytime I tried to study, the feeling of loneliness and desperation and pressure just threatened to choke me.

I am not dumb and my course is not easy. Accounting stumps me yet thrills me and information systems excites me. But this semester they just didnt do it for me.

I could write about my failed attempts to make a difference and let you be swaddled in my misery. I could write about the day I wanted to go out so bad but I had no one to turn to and the day I wanted to stay in so bad and then have people come and join me. I culd write about the fake smiles and the insincere smiles and insincere quetsions asked about my life by people who believed they were doing the right thing when it came to me, keeping me an arms length away but not realising they were doing more harm than good. And about those who believed they knew me through and through and never gave me a chance.

I didnt stand a chance.

The semester is over. My exams are done. My heart is in splinters and my soul is desperate to be fed. My mind digests nothing and I crave more than this world has to offer. I dont crave love.Or friendship. No. I have had my chances at love and I pushed them away because I knew full well it wasnt right, it wasnt right at all for me to love them when I didnt love myself at the moment. And I have my friends who understand me. And Im ever grateful.

But what I lost somewhere along this semester is a sense of self. I dont know why and I dont know how but I can tell you I feel like a hollow shell of my former self. And Im tired.

I deathly tired of fixing myself.

But I have to. Because no one else will.

But I feel like broken glass. The more I try to fix myself, the more I bleed.

I am alone and that state will remain for a long time. Because I need to heal from past hurts and current ones.

It hurts.

I wish I could fast forward to 2007. Because if I am okay then that means I get through this year.

DOnt get me wrong. Im not suffering from depression. I think. but i just feel very unhappy right now and I want to pause my life and ask it to wait for me until I come back and am ready for it again.

On a completely different note, I think Ive perfected the art of not sleeping. I am suffering from insomnia.

2006-06-12T11:59:00.000+08:00

I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then.
Lewis Carroll
Hey how are you? Glad you came.
Look, I..Im tired of this old game we're playing.
Youre not? You think we could and should continue? Like how we are?
Is it dangerous? Is it not?
Its not harming anyone.Whats that you say?
Its not harming anyone.
But you know, if we continue like this, it could, you know.
It could harm someone. Namely you and me.
So hey. Um. Dont look at me like that! Listen to me.

Tell you what.

You..you go do your thing and I'll..I'll go do mine.

Coz you are who you are and I am who I am. Different? Maybe. Complicated? Very.

If, in the end, we end up together, it will be glorious.
And in the end, if we dont..

Well then, in its own heartbreaking way..Then that will be glorious too.
Though between you and me, I'll always think of how we could have been.

Because you gotta admit, despite of or maybe in spite of it all..

we really could have been...

So beautiful.

2006-06-10T21:07:00.000+08:00

"When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, and they never will because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains need to wake up." - Dogma

ATTENTION. I need new MSN friends. So if anyones reading this and would like to laugh/ponder/ at my amazing/silly banter, please add me at at januaryblue126@Hotmail.com And if youre a hater, uh, go away. END ATTENTION.

Like anyone will actually add. Pfft.

One nervous call down.

Two friendster profiles updated.

Three new mosquito scars on my left leg alone.

Four days till my first final exam.

Five oreo cheesecake fantasies down.

And about a bajillion mosquitoes Ive killed so far.

Is it possible to be so annoyingly numb that even the threat of exams looming near isnt enough for me to get out of bed and actually study?

The problem with rumours is that it doesnt affect the rumour mongers as much as it doesthe people talked about. And its a vicious never ending cycle. Because I dont think that when the girl set out to kiss the boy in public, or when that boy decided to break up with that girl in private, did any of them ever want themselves to be the topic of the day the very next day.

I am really nervous about a lot of things. My mom's health, which doesnt seem to be improving. Unwanted attention from people Id rather not pay attention to, and yet no attention from the ones I crave it from. I hate that obtaining a visa, for example, is taking such a long time and theres no assurance I'll even get it, which is really getting me down. Im nervous about my four final exams, which I havent even really begun studying for, despite my hours of staring at my books. Its like Im trying to will the knowledge into my head with osmosis, andthats a very far flung occurence. Im nervous about my hair, because its becoming really hard to manage again.Its like I pore over meaningless websites to fill my head with unnecessary information, because this info doesnt matter. And my exams do.

So why cant I get off the net and just study?

I think the world cup started today. But Im not sure.

Wait.

Yes. It did.

Go England!

2006-06-09T04:40:00.000+08:00

Why cant I have exams like this?

BONUS QUESTION ON CHEMISTRY EXAM

The following is supposedly an actual question given on University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat*)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave, therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

2006-06-05T16:36:00.000+08:00

There are certain things about my life I know I can't change. They're not just little things, or even flaws. They're lifelong characteristics embedded into who I am. And having no control over those things, what they mean, or their effect on my future truely scares me. cloudyskynine on LJ.

If any of you were in the Star Cineplex last Thursday night and heard someone screaming "REFUND OR REWIND" during the premiere of Da Vinci Code because the blasted reel started from the WASHROOM scene, it was me. Started a mini rally and
it was fun. Im such an exhibitionist.

They moved the 830 movie to 930 and cancelled it so I had to watch the 12 midnite show, which was cool in itself, but I didnt get to start any rallies anymore as it played perfectly. Except for the Silas/Remy part where it stopped so I ran out to pee and Im sure my friends thought I was off to complain again. Peace, people.

So, I've gotten wastedplasteredsmasheddrunkouttamymind (SOMUCHFUN), left my laptop at uni because of said wastage and ended up having to cycle back with friends the next day and handing it to my guy friend to cycle back with, found a cool picnic style place to chill midst cyclage, ended up watching Da Vinci Code TWICE (dont ask) on different days, had Coffee Bean coffee and cake three times (do u know how many calories one of those things are!?), spent a day and a sunset at the beach, stayed overnight at three different homes and three different beds (im a nomad so sue me), discovered a new cheap brand of vodka which is funnily stupid but gooooood, found a new pubplace, spent time with fun friends, discovered new things about current people, rekindled friendships and let go of some old ones and am just generally slacking off and enjoying myself.

And my exams start on the 13th.

*insert swearage here*

If I dont buckle up, I swear Im going to fail EVERYTHING.

But dayamn, am I having fun.

Slap me, please.

But not too hard. I still need my face sometimes.

2006-05-29T05:25:00.000+08:00

"All of our young lives we search for someone to love. Someone that makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope. All the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, there's someone perfect who might be searching for us."- The Wonder Years

I like to think of myself as someone in search of the best person in the world for me. I would gladly be with only one person for the rest of my life, and if I find him now, then alls well and good, but if I find him later, then thats okay too. Point is, whenever I have an opportunity for a relationship,I factor in many things,such as the longevity of it, could we last, I test the guy, I get into the relationship primarily for it to last. And maybe along the way I've faltered and made the wrong choices, but I dont think Ive ever led the guy on to believe otherwise.

Which is why finding out that theres a rumor that my last relationship ended because I slept the guy and left him and hurt him and I felt guilty and tats why I dont talk to him anymore and Im a bitch and thats apparently what I "do"...well, thats a slap in my face and I should be angry and I should be sad and I swear there should be so many things but right now all i feel is numb and drained.

I dont even talk to my last boyfriend anymore so I cant ask him if thats what he spread. But in my heart of hearts, I know its just not possible for him to do that so I suppose it had tpo be some malicious person altogether. The reason I couldnt talk to him couldnt possibly be because I was still in love with him then and any contact with him justpulled me deeper in there, could it?

If I try to deny, people will wonder why Im so defensive, and if I dont, theyll wonder why Im not. Question remains, Do I want to be know as the girl who dumped him and left him or the girl he dumped and left? and why does it still matter, one year later?

I feel like the more I talk about it, the less special our relationship will have been, so Ill just end it here.

Why is todays hero all about emotionally suffering? Is it because we all have eveything we could ever want given to us on a silver plate, from the second we are born? That all our wants are fulfilled before we even realised we wanted those wants? Because our needs arent needs but actually prerequisites to life? That everything we crave materially for can be so easily obtained but the things we need within us are left empty? Because our parents and the generations before them have already fought the good fight and we have nothing left to fight for?

Nothing left to fight for, so we battle with our emotions, we fight with ourselves, we scratch and we bite and we hiss and we cry and we whine at things we cant fix primarily because we cant fix them anyway. So I think we SHOULDNT let those things get us down. Because we will be so much more than this.

The semester ended last Friday. Not a moment too soon.

2006-05-25T01:13:00.000+08:00

The weight [heaviness on our shoulders/ the cross we bear/the burdens we carry] is a gift, and we're not going out like that.

Brace yourselves for a deluge of an entry.

Last Friday, I found myself on top of a little passenger express boat, I kid you not, roaring down a river, with a bunch of people, two girls and four guys for our group, huddled together for warmth, under a green canvas with the rain bearing down on us and hitting us like bullets due to the speed of the boat, with the Borneo rainforest on either side of us, and one of us asking, "Is it just me or do u all also get this surreal feeling like we're on freakin Lost?"

It took as SIX FREAKING HOURS! And we were ONTOPOFABOATROOF!!!

Hahaha. I have lived on Borneo my entire life, but regardless of what any of you may think, I have hardly ever experienced the Borneo shown on TV, the Borneo where that first Survivor was held, the supposedly exotic Borneo of tribes and jungle and what not. Ive lived in the town of Bandar Seri Begawan and Miri for a good portion, and while not considered roaring cities, theyre not exactly backwater either. On this Longhouse visit, I was immersed in a part of Borneo I didnt realise was still very much richly in existence.

And thats really all I have to say. Tho I was surprised at how much the indigenous people can drink, and how strong they are, as well as how the town has WIFI but no phone line. And how seemingly..fresh everything was out there. It was just different and while part of me missed civilisation, I must admit how I craved the simplicity of life the little village and the longhouse offered.

Nice.

Though my friends who lost uh, their phones and armani shades on the journey down the river could probably attempt to kill me because of my positive feedback, it was a really good getaway and I cant wait to do it again one day.

I havent seen the Da Vinci Code yet and theres already talks of Angels and Daemons being made into a film. Hold up!

Okay, I cant put photos up, but oh my God, this cracked me up: http://media.onetreehillweb.net/images/othposter.png

Its the adults of One Tree Hill in the exact same pose as the teens of One Tree Hill. That show is my guilty pleasure, my closet addiction and admitting that here really makes me want to shoot myself and find another nifty fandom. Could I not have found something less dramatic to be a fan of? Nay, I say, because this show indulges my need for freakin good music (I really recommend For Blue Skies- Strays Dont Sleep), for good quotes (AHHH!) for girl friends (we all need a Haley-Peyton-Brooke in our lives, tho perhaps not the liking of each others man part..), for boyfriends (I want a Nathan! Or Lucas! Or even a Skills or Mouth!), for escapism, mostly, and for maybe just having a place to settle in and feel at home at the end of the day, even if it is just a television show with ridiculously good looking characters that go through more drama in an episode than I do in okay, a week (since my life does have its own dramas, and not all are self induced) and they get shot, they get killed, they get laid, they get their hearts stomped on and crushed over and over and over and at the end of the day, theyre still willing to go on and live.

Or maybe I just need to get some sleep.

Today is my 3rd consecutive day of running on empty, miraculously pushing 20 hour days, with 2 to 4 hours sleep as my break (4 hours if Im lucky). I got home last nite at 4 am and then proceeded to do my laundry till about 515 am because that, my dear readers, was the only time I was free to do so. I then slept and got up at 8 and went to uni by 9 am and spent the whole day there, went home today for 3 hours and now Im here again and its almost 3 am and I have to be at uni tmrw by 9 am.

Oh, Im doing two group assignments and presentations btw. Plus had a test on Monday and a lab test this Friday, with council duties and work intersected. Its EVERYTHING at once and I dont like it.

It boggles my mind where I get my energy. made me laugh when she said,"Remember the city that never sleeps? Well Izzah's the girl that never sleeps!"

And I looked HORRIBLE today,apparently, so much so that one of my friends actually gave me her shades to wear in the labs because my eyes have horrible dark circles under them. I look like the walking dead apparently, but thats ok..except it has caused me to not really see people right in front of me..and has me hearing the wrong things and well..lets just say my brain is malfunctioning more than usual.

Saturday and Sunday plans is hibernation before I throw myself into studying for my exams. Oh joy.

(Who wants to bet that doesnt happen, full on hibernation, I mean?)

But darn it, Ill try.

Friday is the end of the semester. How utterly swift time flies.

2006-05-18T17:38:00.000+08:00

And as I stared at her, I knew without a doubt, our respect for each other has reached an all time low, and it didnt matter if she found me frustrating or I found her frustrating, the truth of the matter was that we both liked each other about as much as we each liked weight gain. Not very much, really.

If I wanted to, I could throw myself at her mercy again, and ask her for forgiveness for whatever it was that slighted our friendship. I could grovel, and I could beg, and I could ask for her understanding and a second chance.

But then it would just repeat the same cycle. Over. And over. And over.

And so I dont. And its the same thing again.

And Im trying to tell someone my problems, to get it out, but I just cant seem to put this feeling into words. He asked and I couldnt find the words. He wanted to listen and I couldnt mesh my feelings about myself together.

Its easier to ignore than to deal with it. And I hardly know where to turn, because no one has time to deal with the issues of a supposedly independant girl.

2006-05-17T22:44:00.000+08:00

"There was just a moment when things weren't quite the same, weren't quite as they had always been through the long friendship." –The Giver

Like I said before, Brunei will always remain Brunei, and theres just something about going back that I cant put my finger on, but it just...rubs me the wrong way. And I guess though a large part of my childhood and adolescence, my entire life really, was spent there, its not really home anymore.

Its like from the second I cross the border into Brunei, I hold my breath and its a series of reruns and Im not 20 years old anymore. Im not what I am in uni, Im 14 and back in my awkward adolescent period again, my self esteem is at a down low and I have to wait till Im safely back across the border in order to breathe.

Not to say Im scared in Brunei. But lets just say I just feel like a whole different person at uni and when Im in Brunei, its like my past swallows me up and the people there dont see me as anything more than that 14 year old.

Including my parents.

Like I said, Brunei isnt home for me anymore. I cant even tell you where 'home' is currently, with my mom and dad based in Kota Kinabalu and me here and so on and so forth. Is it Philippines, my home country? Here where Im doing uni and have learnt so much? Brunei, where I grew up?

Where I still have memories of traumas and happiness and bittersweet echoes?

I think I have to find a new home.

2006-05-16T16:56:00.000+08:00

"..nothing is permanent. Especially people. Strangers become friends. Friends become lovers. Lovers become strangers. Strangers become friends once more, and over and over."

-Megan Mcafferty, Charmed Thirds

Brunei will always remain Brunei, and theres just something about going back that I cant put my finger on, but it just...rubs me the wrong way. And I guess though a large part of my childhood and adolescence, my entire life really, was spent there, its not really home anymore.

Most awkward medical questions ever asked to me have to be whether Im pregnant and whether Im sexually active, not the questions themselves, but how strange they sound coming from a little old (literally old) doctor.

I feel like if I said yes, they would topple over in shock. It would be funny to see that.

It is so bloody ironic that my current lack of sleep and high amounts of stress has resulted in a subtle weight loss, which is yay (but will probably pile on again when Im destressed) , and yet is punctuated by a hideous skin breakout.

Not that my skin was all peaches and cream before, but I didnt realise the extent of the problem until I was pasting an old Nov 2005 picture of myself onto a form last Friday. My skin was so clear in comparison to lately, and I realised I had to do something about it. So I did what I never thought I'd do, I stepped into a dermatologists office and came out with facial wash, pills and some drying out gel, all which cost me a small fortune on my student budget, money which could go to supeficial things, you understand, like blue margheritas (which are my current obsession but Ill be back on baileys soon enough), unnecessary but still prettiful beauty products and books, among other things.

You can all check on my skins clarity in about two weeks and if it remains the same or gets even worse, please join me in the thereafter stabbage of a certain dermatologist.

To keep up with the theme of some of the blog entries Ive read lately, I hate that while Im losing inches off my hips and yes, breasts, my stomach remains, and I suppose I must now attempt to conquer that with much dreaded exercise *shudder*.

Wow, my entries have become very silly lately.

2006-05-12T12:42:00.000+08:00

"When you're far away as you are it is not so easy for you to take care of me." - Anon.
- From "Found" Davy Rotheart.

Psst, www.avirginsplea.com Its so cheap, u gotta help the guy. *rolls eyes* :D

You know what I hate? When people bang on the shower door and try to talk to me when Im having a shower. I have to turn it down and I lose momentum. I relaly doubt whatever you have to say would not have the same impact if I was dressed and at leats out of the shower in say 5 to ten minutes. No?!

Also, uni had a Groundbreaking ceremony of sorts, which starts phase 2 of the building of this place and all I can say is, its about bloody time.And um, yay? :D

Im too emo for words sometimes. Hey, ladies (Ing Hui! Steph! aww!) who read my last blog about my body image and cornered me at the caf, I meant it as short write up if you will, about how it *hasnt* affected my life and in the end I even thanked my friends for not judging my self worth based on my Body Mass Index ;) But I *love* you girls for caring. It means tons and bucketsful.

So, its cool. In reality, maybe its hard to believe, but I have a very much unhealthy TOO confident body image ;) (though I need to drop some pounds ;))

In other news, in terms of gaining, a lovely friend, Oscar, helped me increase my measly 2 mb hotmail ac to well, even more, and Im eternally grateful. I was almost considering shutting that account down, because of my massive gmail storage account. But Im stupidly sentimental about many things, and the email add Ive had since I was 14 is one of them.

Im heading to Brunei this weekend and Im excited. Very much. I need an alcohol and drama free weekend.

Also, seeing the fmaily again has got to rock, right? :)

2006-05-11T08:20:00.000+08:00

By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing, and he vows his passion is infinite, undying - lady, make note of this: One of you is lying.

I've never been so lost, and yet I've never felt so much at home.

Ive always felt that crying is your bodys last resort when it has no more tears left to voice out its sadness. And yet lately..

And yet lately, Ive found that tears are finite.

I once thought if ever I had a problem, I could cry cry cry, and Id be done and Id be good, if I could just purge myself of all the things that hurt me and made me ache, like the long gone days when I was younger and Id just lock myself in my room and cry till the pain went away. Because it hurts. Dont you hate how most of us have a lot of things going for us and yet we hurt? It always hurts.

Isnt it funny how so many of us have a roof over our heads, an education, enough money, enough happiness, loved ones and yet somehow we are all still so sad?

Lately, Ive been feeling so numb to so many things that would have made me cry so many eons ago. Heck, Ive been doing things which would have made me pause a year ago. I feel morally depleted. The same things that would have made me cry last year are right now not having any effect and I cant remember the last time I cried, and I dont mean a tear or two at sad endings of tv shows, I mean heart wrenching, nerve wrecking, body wracking somehow cleansing sobs, and I wish I knew why.

I dont think its a sad thing, I just dont know if Im growing up or stunting my growth. Things are not going so well for me, and normally id cry it out, but its just good enough anymore.

I havent cried in ages. Maybe its all accumulating and Im going to burst one day, but I dont think today is that day.

Point of this entry is stating that crying just doesnt do it for me anymore. Sometimes I just lie in bed and stare at my ceiling, willing the tears to come, but they dont. Its like I know now that tears just dont fix anything, and while the temporary release feels good, a permanent fix would be even better.

I havent been feeling myself lately, and I dont know if its because of one large thing or an accumulation of a lot of little things. I feel Ive hit a quarterlife crisis, if you may.

I just dont feel happy, and I feel so sad and so lonely sometimes and I wish I didnt.

Depression is so late 90's.

Maybe I have reasons to be sad and thats why I am. And yet, maybe I dont.

Or maybe I just need a chocolate fix.

And to end this entry, just because I found this ultimately cheap yet hilarious: http://www.avirginsplea.com/

2006-05-10T19:28:00.000+08:00

And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Karen off One Tree Hill said, "The best way to get over someone is get under someone else." Then she paused and realised what it meant and tried to take back her advice and her son covered his ears.

I thought that scene was really cute, if only a few days later, it didnt cringingly seem to apply to myself. Its an annoying stereotype that only guys use girls and thats all I have to say on that matter.

2006-05-05T00:42:00.000+08:00

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams

I think what I miss most about being in a steady relationship is the underlying certainty that at the end, no matter how horrible this day treats you, no matter how absolutely unhappy you are with the way your friends and family are behaving towards you, no matter how harsh the week has been, you know that theres someone who, for the moment at least, has made you their world and them your own, and youre somehow in a protected bubble, despite the flaws (and arguably, maybe because of the flaws), inspite of the imperfections, and it just helps you get through the day just a little bit more, with the bonus touch of love.

I miss the knowledge that theres someone you can turn to and in a weird sort of way, you know youre walking through your lives together. I miss being held and understood and I miss having someone I know thru and thru.

So despite whats happening to you, your grades are currently slipping, your mother is unhappy, your life isnt going exactly the way you want it to, theres another body out there that doenst know exactly what youre feeling, but its willing to try.

Of course, I could just miss kissing, but lets pretend for a moment that Im beyond that shallow need now.

On another note, this weeks been harsh, and Ive been at the brink of tears from exhaustion but I just think of the bigger picture, my graduation, my degree, my future, my career, my life past university, and I guess thats where I draw my strength from. I will not break down again.

But I suppose a hug would not have been all that unwelcome right now.

2006-05-01T21:04:00.000+08:00

you larn more about someone in an hour of play than in a year of conversation

You know, you think youve forgotten all about him, its been weeks since you last thought of him,then you go somewhere you used to spend time in, around people you both used to chill with, cradling the same drinks you used to drink together, hearing the songs you used to dance to and at the same time use as pseudo foreplay, and out of blue, everything just hits you at once and instead of thinking about the great guy looking at you across the dancefloor or that sweet guy who's been texting you lately, his face is all you see, his arms are all you remember around you, his voice is all you can hear, and the memories blur your vision, youre all choked up, youre back to then and the now is gone, and to stop the tears from running down your face and ruin the night (not to mention the makeup), you have a choice. You can pour another drink down your throat and forget, dance the night away. Or you can sit and remember, cherish the memories.

I chose the jd with coke last night option. Didnt make things better but did make the night that bit more bearable.

Not to say last night wasnt fun,it was amazingly glorious, one of the best nights out with my girls and other friends but just goddamn the bloody memories.

2006-04-29T13:54:00.000+08:00

If youre fat, dont take pictures with your skinny friends.

No, really, thats the moral of todays story.

I flicked thru some of my older pictures, and I was just agog at how taking pictures with my skinny friends just somehow seems to amplify my um, not so skinnyness, for lack of a better euphemism for it.

You know what, for the first time in my life, Im actually trying to control my food intake, not really for any big reason, but just because Ive hit the big 2-0 and Im not exactly young anymore. I worry about my health and with my familys history of heart problems and hypertension and diabetes, its not exactly an einsteinish guess that if I dont cut down, I could very well be the next victim of a highly avoidable health problem.

But you know what, I think Ive heard it from almost every girl I know, even the skinniest of the skinny, that on one time or another, they were on a diet. And especially after I entered college, being on a diet just seemed to be in thing to do and whining about your fatness and weight gain and hips and thighs and arms and whatever flawed body part you had just seemed to SHOUT "WE ARE SISTERS!"

And I guess I sorta fell into that for a while, but now Im just flipping thru photos and I wonder why I was never compelled to lose the weight growing up.

I could take the easy way of and blame my family for my weight gain, as I was skinny as a toddler but given vitamin supplements by my mother to gain weight because she felt her kids didnt look cute skinny. Lol, yeah, you heard me. My moms simple and wonderful that way. She felt moving from Phils to Brunei was reason for us to return to the Phils on holiday fat and not skinny.

Nevertheless, a healthy appetite for everything, food, music, life, you name it, has always been promoted by my family of five. And now, I cant say I regret it.

I guess I grew up in kind of a protective bubble where your self worth was not determined by your physical beauty or in my case, lack thereof.

My dad, you see, always called me healthy. Kids at school would tease me about it and once I cried when I got home because of it and he just told me I was healthy.

Okay.

Then my mother, when she realised I couldnt fit in the kids department anymore, instead of bringing my weight down a notch, she decided to instead upgrade me to the ladies department, which, actually boosted my self esteem just a little coz I felt so grown up shopping there.

And my friends, I dunno, I had tight friends growing up. My weight was just never and issue. You know? of course I felt it when all the boys started liking the skinnier girls but I was just blase and went all oh, my prince will come, tra lalala and went on with my life. My life was never on pause just because I didnt have a boy then (neither is it on pause now).

My parents never asked me to lose weight. And my parents are my idols. They thought I was beautiful, just as I was. So if your idols think youre perfectly lovely, why would you listen to anyone else?

So even when reports that I was overweight came home, theyd shrug it off and ask me if I was happy.

And being a fairly happy 11 year old, of course I was. I was being given delicious food anytime I wanted, and I had loving friends and family and my weight never really was an issue.

Then I hit adolescence.

And maybe I was reaaaally lucky, because adolesence is supposed to be the time of your life when looks matter and looks compromise how you feel, but quite frankly, I dont think my looks ever held me back, in the sense that perhaps I felt quite safe behind the dorky glasses, thick eyebrows, no makeup, the frizzy hair and layers of fat and horrible fashion sense. I was always underestimated, you see, and instead of letting this hinder me, I suppose I used peoples underestimation of me to my advantage. I liked surprising people.

Thats not to say I never had my bouts of insecurity, coz hey, i had them, but they just didnt hold me back. I was really blessed, I believe, to be surrounded by people who didnt measure my worth by how physically attractive I was.

Dont get me wrong, I dont think Im severely obese but Im not going to lie and say I was slim. Right now Im just uhh..chunky? *grin* But hey, more to love and those who dont want to be my friend or whatever just because of weight issues? They can go screw themselves because I dont want to know them either.

Because, frankly, Ive never really had a problem finding friends and loves and life and never found my weight a hindrance socially (except when it comes to u know, wearing sexy clothes coz I doubt i can pass off sexy so hee.). I go out, I have fun, I have a life. And I like it.

And in that respect as well, I guess I learned to hone my conversational skills, my brain, and my personality because god knows, you can be ugly, but its a little bit more accepted if youre nice and funny.

And now Im 20, and I hate to say Ive joined the weight loss/watch your weight bandwagon, but really, only because I want to live for a very long time and not be stopped in my tracks because of a couple of pounds.

And fitting into my thinner pants dont hurt either.

But like I said. The extra curves have never stopped me in my pursuit of life before.

But in the process, well, heeheehee, I think Ill just have to well, stop taking pictures with my skinny friends for a while. :D

And hey, mom? Dad? Childhood buds? Former loves? Friends?

Thanks for never measuring my self worth by my body mass index, okay? :)

2006-04-29T10:46:00.000+08:00

Why is it, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~ Ernest Gaines

I just had the biggest shock of my life.

Okay, not exactly of my LIFE per se, but I just discovered how much I missed out on by not taking any sort of literature back in high school when it was being offered.

Look me in the eye and tell me you all also had the mistaken impression that "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo" really meant "Romeo, Romeo, where are you, Romeo" and NOT "Romeo, Romeo, WHY are your Romeo?"

Because, apparently, it means that!

A wise friend indulged me that it means:
Yes. She's asking "Why are you Romeo?" "Where are you Romeo" seems to make sense because he pops up right afterwards. But she's really just being sad at the fact that he's her enemy because of their last names.

The line goes (I've heard it enough times.. *rolls eyes*) "Romeo, Romeo, Wherefore art thou Romeo; Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or, if though wilt not.." Blah blah. She's asking why he has to be a Montague and she a Capulet. And then she's like well I don't care, we don't have to be defined by those words.

*blink*

Well, you really do learn something new everyday.

2006-04-21T15:40:00.000+08:00

People, places, events and things pass in and out of your life. What you're left with is whatever you choose to keep.

The thing with growing up is the overwhelming contradictions that youre faced with, the number of expectations that society has of you and what you have of yourself, and then breaking that down and deciding what you truly want to be.

And its even tougher when youre growing up female.

Okay, waking up at 730 am to receive a call from one of your best friends? Probably one of the best wayes to wake up.

Ever.

Yesterday, my mother called me in the morning and she was in tears. My mother. In tears. I listened. I comforted. But it was so weird to be the one acting like an adult to the woman who's raised me and I admit that my nerves were more than a little shot after the phone call.

So theres an offer I want to accept but Im still second guessing on whether or not I should grab it or let it go by. Part of me is thrilled to bits while the other half is neutral on it all. It could be the best part of my life. Or it could very well be the worst time ever.

I guess its just funny when something youve always wanted becomes something you have. And then you have to wonder whether it really was something you always wanted in the first place.

Im pretty complacent about where life has brought me so far, and I think in a way, I really have done all I can do in this place.

Academically, Im not so bad. Extracurricular wise, Ive done it all, I think, being able to move from a soar advisor to student ambassador to student council. I've had my fun times, Ive had my tears, Ive made my friends, Ive had my loves, Ive had my life. In my circles of friends that remain here and havent left/transferred to perth or kl/ gotten terminated, Im probably the only one whos in her final year and its like, in a way, Im so done with it all. I had a good run and I feel my uni is tired of me or Im tired of it and theres not really any more left to look forward to.

Hell, I *have* been here for four years.

And now its like all I really really really want to do is either get out of here or graduate.

Whichever comes first.

Yeah.

Whichever comes first.

2006-04-13T08:22:00.000+08:00

I still love you. I will always love you. Its just..I just dont trust you.

So, if I told you that one of my goals is to one day go bungee jumping, would u think I was nuts?

Or that because of One Tree Hill, I now have a motto that goes something like, "People always leave. So try not to be one left behind."

As per usual, I havent slept all night, and stayed up chatting with my housemates and friends and watching, of all things, one of my closet addictions, the one and only One Tree Hill. We just managed to get season 3 and Im all hyped up on Lucas love.

Because say what you want about Chad Michael Murray, but *whistles* that boy is fine.

Not sleeping all nite isnt smart, as I have a full day of classes and a planned nite chock full of girl fun, retail therapy, movie and pizza, so. heh, shiyat, much? You *know* I need energy. but caffeine has stopped working for me.

*taps fingers*

I wish I had something more interesting to say. But I dont. So until I do, I'll have to end.

Here.

2006-04-12T19:13:00.000+08:00

Shh. I dont want the dawn to hear

Well, its been a while since my last blog. Heya Emily and Amilyn. I actually have visitors! :P

For some reason, caffeine just doesnt doit for me anymore. Thats bad news. I need a new vice.

International nite actually was everything I expected it to be, inthe respect that everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong, such as drinks running out, low turn out, performers coming late, audio nt working well, audience not reacting to the emcees which had me taking over, the flags falling, the other council members being MIA during the setup and cleanup..It wasnt what youd call a disaster but it was pretty much close to one.

But its done, its past. I was glad for the support from those who actually wore traditional costumes, and as it was the first time it ever happened in my university, it wasnt so bad. But suck, it did, and its a learning experience.

Lets leave it at that.

In other news,Im very happy as I can now go online from home. Theres wireless connection that my laptop is all up for, but is stupid, in the sense, that it can only be used outside the house. Ah. Mosquitoes are eating me. I should start smoking just to blow the mozzies away.Hee, I have such a kickass connection. Sometimes. It wavers from bad to good.

Its the holiest week of the Catholic calendar, and I havent done anything at allfor it. I havent been respecting the Lent season or even gone for confession. I dont know whats up with me, religious wise, lately. Its like I do believe in God, thats not even a question, but I dont understand why everything else related just makes me feel numb. I hope I snap out of this soon.

Its funny how I procrastinate on shaving my legs when I know Im the only one whos going to be touching them.Dont look at my legs differently now.

I think no girl should exit her house without at least a dab of powder, a slick of lipgloss and eyeliner.

You know, Ive never complained about my university or town Im in, as Ive never felt tired of it before, but right now, for some reason, I do. I just feel so done with it all. Ive reached a plateau where Im tired of the people and the place and the dramas and the never ending wave of gossip that sucks you in.Im glad I have good friends and housemates, but other than them and a few random people, I could honestly tell you right now, I dont care about anything else (aside from studies, but thats a given), and this shows in how I cage myself studying or online in the council office and dont spend time in the cafe as much anymore. Its like Ive lost the gung ho lets be everyones friend mentality I used to have. I mean, dont get me wrong, I love people, always will, but now,Im..losing that.Maybe coz Im older. Or more content with life.

I dont know whats wrong with me, or maybe its finally something right.

2006-03-29T19:33:00.000+08:00

when a woman who always has something to say is silent, her silence can be deafening

Whenever I read my fellow bloggers sites, I somehow feel so inept.

The bad thing about me is my inability to accept that there are things I can't change, no matter how harsh the reality is that it just has to stay that way and yes, not change.

Sometimes, you see, I believe with my whole heart that there are things that *can* be changed. It takes just one person to change things, and as someone wise once said, it takes one brave person to be the change that they wish to see in the world. And I wish to see a lot of changes, and maybe I cant reach the world just yet, I can at least attempt to reach my university.

At the same time though, I know I know I know I know Im stretching myself too much for it to be healthy. I hate that for me to feel fulfilled, I have to stretch myself to my limits. Its like, not only must I attempt to have satisfactory academic marks, Im also pressuring myself to excel in extracurriculars, student council, have a social life and get enough sleep all at once. WHY do I never get that in college, you cant have social, academics and sleep? Its always two of the three, never all three.

This has left me very much exhausted.

In other news, this year kicked off pretty cool. Its strange that its already the end of March and I reeeeeaaally havent written anything really worth reading about.

My dear readers, btw, I have this feeling that love karma is biting me in the butt, and boy is it a pain.

2006-03-24T17:43:00.000+08:00

“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat, “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” Asked Alice.
“You must be,” said the cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.” ~ Lewis Carroll

and after years of wishing hoping praying, guess what.

I have a laptop.

That is all.

Yes, that warrants its own post. ;)

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend. And I love that just when it seems that lifes falling apart it will twist and turn and everything magically marvelously wonderously falls into place.

2006-03-08T03:04:00.000+08:00

It was the sort of happy ending that tied up everything neatly and never actually turned up in real life, where endings, if they happened at all, were messy, and love wasn't always rewarded or punished: sometimes it just faded away into the background, part of the great clamoring mass of unanswered questions that eventually you just had to learn to live with if you wanted to grow up.

izzah --

[adjective]:

Visually addictive

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

So after a few days of holding my breath, I can breath again. Cleared summer units, have obtained all my needed textbooks, enrolled and registered for the new semester, rearranged my room, helped in the orientation of new students and quite possiblyh scarred some of them for life ;)settled comfortably in the student council office and meetings, have rekindled old friendships and brushing up with the new and so far, 2006 seems to be treating me very well.

So far.

My room is absurdly clean for perhaps the first time in my life.

And love life aside, its like at the end of the day, the parties and the fun and the laughter, its all meaningless little ditties and maybe we'll smile and perhaps we'll flirt and we'll dance and we'll laugh but its all in vain and we all know itll all end up crashing and burning into nothingness by tomorrow.

I really do hope we all have a rocking 2006.

2006-02-13T15:13:00.000+08:00

"If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day."
- John A. Wheeler

I took these pictures yesterday on a friends camera phone while waiting for my food (KFC if you really must know ;). My hair would appear less shiny yet longer. Im so obviously posing, its kinda funny, huh? Finally had it rebonded and will grow it long this year. Maybe.

Planning highlights very soon and will pose pics if I like 'em.

Thanks for the feedback, amilyn and katie. <3 I miss you guys.

In other news, my friends and I sunned ourselves at the nearby public pool yesterday and it was funny how I realise now we were probably a main attraction, four crazy womenish girls in bikini tops and shades, tanning by the public pool. It was funny, in retrospect. This place is conservative, and I guess thinking about it, maybe the zebra prints and wild colors bikini tops werent the way to go.

We were at a pretty hotel the other day and are planning to swim again at piasau boat club tomorrow. We're basically sampling all the swimming/sunning places this place has to offer.

We tanned! Hahaha.

And after years of battling it, Ive come to finally accept Im *NEVER* gonna be as fair as the asian society wants me to be and I should really be comfortable in my tanned skin. So Im gonna soak up the sun and not run from the wonderful weather we have with umbrellas and whitening creams and apologising for my darkness. So screw you, narrowminded 'onlyfairskinisbeautiful' mentality. Tanned/golden/*inserteuphemism/brown skin is hot too.

Swimming! I love it.

Fun, nevertheless. The only thing missing was the martinis and the hot boys ;)

The days after my last exam have been amazingly lazy and fun and I have not even one thoughtful and deep thought in my head. Ill prolly go back to my usual 'deep' entries when Im back in university in two weeks, but for the now, know I am revelling in my shallowness and unproductivity ;)

2006-02-10T23:09:00.000+08:00

I can tell you I love you as many times as you can stand to hear it but all it does is remind us that love isnt quite enough. Not even close.

So, heh, a friend made me do my hair. She said, and I quote,"YOUR HAIR NEEDS HELP!!"

In other exciting news, Im done with summer classes and I hope my exams went well. I have two weeks of downtime before Im immersed in studies again and the downtime feels pretty damn good.

I really dont know what to write right now and its weird that I feel like such a blank slate.

2006-01-11T17:50:00.000+08:00

And I wonder if he realised that when my mouth was letting him go that he knew how hard it was for me to keep from adding that at the same time I was cursing him with all the wasted whispers and unfulfilled promises and my eyes were wondering why he wasnt fighting for me and my heart was wishing that when he kisses her, his lips would still taste of me in all my bittersweet unwanted love.

2006-01-09T23:56:00.000+08:00

Its the damaged people you watch out for/ Theyre the ones who are dangerous/ They know, you see, that no matter what life throws at them from here on out/ They will survive.

To get my hair past my ribs, ladies and gentlemen. And then decide whether to rebond it again or let it be naturally wavy. That is my new years resolution.

Why, you may ask? Because if I make any less shallow and superficial than that, I know I wont fulfil it.

My phils vacation? It was sublime and when I have time to upload pictures, I will. I enjoyed every second.

You know Im too emotional when simply talking with my mother on the phone for 5 minutes is enough to set me off into tears, with my pretending I can take care of myself and Im independent, when deep inside I just want her to scoop me up and take care of me. I miss my family more than I can say. Its weird. I was with them for a full month and a week this time and its just never enough.

I should be studying but my mind keeps wandering and wont focus.

Summer classes are intensive by nature, and here I am doing not one but two full semester units within 5 weeks. What if I fail and fall flat on my face? Goodness, its only my first day back in student mode (I arrived last Saturday, Jan 7th) and already I feel exhausted. This coming from a girl who's main routine in the holidays was basically to be as much of a bum as she possibly could.

Schedule:

Monday: Problem Analysis 150 (L) 8 am to 12 pm
Business Statistics (L) 1.30- 5 pm
Tuesday: Business Statistics (Tut) 9 am- 1.30 pm
Wednesday: Problem Analysis (tut) 8 am to 11 am
Business Statistics (TEST) 12- 1 pm
Business Statistics (LAB) 1.30-5 pm
Thursday: Problem Analysis 150 (Seminar) 8 am to 11 am

Mind you, this is over a 5 week period.

I think Im going to die.

But strangely, the nerd in me is leaping for joy over the challenge. I really was a nerd in high school, despite what I seem to be in college. Heh. I suppose my body thrives on stress and adrenaline. I think I really am twisted inside.

Or maybe Im just trying to prove something to myself.

I would like to watch Memoirs Of A Geisha. I would like to read more Maeve Binchy books. I would like to escape into the worlds of Narnia and Hogwarts and Tree Hill and Dawson's Creek. But we all know thats not going to happen.

2005-12-19T12:10:00.000+08:00

hates a strong word but so is love, and yet people throw that around like its nothing

Y'all will be pleased to know that I have cleared all units this semester, I have gained a bazillion pounds from enjoying the food here too much, I have seen that Harry Potter movie, In Her Shoes and Just Like Heaven, and I am spending so much time with my family, meaning cousins and immediate and aunts and grandmothers and uncles and aunts and just ahh!!

Window shopping is good. And actual shopping!! And holidays!?! AWESOME!

Advanced merry christmas to all. =)

2005-12-09T14:19:00.000+08:00

Nostalgia is such a seductive liar.

I wonder how Christmas can possibly be Christmas this year.

There are Christmas songs playing all over the mall. Christmas decorations fill the malls and even my relatives have put up Christmas decorations of every shape, size and light all around. And the weather doesnt help, its cold and rainy, not snowy obviously, but it somehow sets the mood, that Christmas season feeling. That festive Christmas feeling.

If someone asked me to point out my best Christmas, I couldnt really tell you a specific time or place. We have a way, we do, of romanticizing even the worst experiences, you see. I asked my younger brother about this Christmas which I recall to be one of the best and he looked at me strangely and said it really wasnt. There was that Christmas in Labuan, with the Escalantes and the Banaags, the swimming. The one in Michigan, with the US relatives, in the snow. The ones in brunei, of Empire, of jerudong, of parties, of Missa De Gallos and house visits galore. The Christian Hari Raya, if you will, only with lots of presents and food food food. Theyre all a blur to me, really.

But I always insist that each year's Christmas was better than the last. And every year, my immediate family is always together. My older brother, my younger brother, my mom, my dad, me. The five of us, always. No matter who was additional, be it by my brother's fiancee, Ate Mafe, Kuya Nonoy, AA, my uncles, other friends...it was always us five, for that special week. My brothers and I pretending we actually ahd good voices, them strumming, me singing, my dad with his harmonica, my mom laughing gaily, ready with extra food and drinks and of course, the presents. Listening to the radio. Watching TV.

It seemed to usually rain on Christmas eve.

I can NEVER remember what my parents gave me year after year. But I can remember the time we spent together. See, my familys really crazy and busy. And we're never ever really..together. But usually, every Christmas, without fail, every new year, we are.

I dont know how this year's Christmas and New Year will be. Coz see. Its the first Christmas and New Year in the Phils. And the first without my older brother physically present. He's in Brunei with his wife.

I was always worried that my family would one day start to seperate. We have our quirks. We annoy the hell out of each other. But we're still family. Flesh and blood. And it should be cooler with all the other relatives this year. But my older bro wont be here.

Like I said, I always did worry, growing up, if our whole family togetherness was too good to be true. And now this year, I wonder if that family togetherness has already ended.

Which is why I wonder how Christmas will truly be Christmas this year.

2005-11-28T17:05:00.000+08:00

No matter how far you go to party..never forget where u learned how.

Heres the thing about updating blogs. Blogs make you really reallt vulnerable, in a sense, that whats on your mind gets spilled out onto a medium that could be read by almost anyone, from an ex, to your old 4th grade teacher, to your mom.

And I have really weird thoughts. You know?

And Im not so sure of what I think of that right now.

Boarding a plan to the Philippines in less than 24 hours. =)

2005-11-21T15:45:00.000+08:00

Someday
When Im awfully low
And Im feeling cold
I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look
Tonight

24 hours till final exam of the semester.

Two days till back to Brunei.

Five days till my dad's birthday.

Eight days till Philippines.

And I still havent seen Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire.

2005-11-17T15:52:00.000+08:00

"Youre great, you know that?" said he.
"I have my moments." said she.

I miss my family.

I had a hair cut yet again. *sighs* Part of me thinks its because someone used to love my long hair and to cut that person out like totally, I need to cut my hair. Very random, I know, but I dont care.

Im really proud of my mad biking skillz that I've recently acquired. Its the little things that make you smile and make you feel bursting out with life, flying off in a bike. Im a long way from learning to drive just yet, but for now, Im pretty darn content with biking. Okay, I dont BIKE anywhere, I bike recreationally but lets pretend for a second that its a mode of transport and not just something I indulge in. Haha.

Okay, so, this little boy who is the son of one of the ladies at the uni canteen just came up and took a picture of me on his phone. He is like, 6, btw. o_0 Funny.

Two exams down. Two to go. *stress*

Plans for Draco fest (re: 4th HP film!) and clubbing tomorrow evening. I hope I dont fall asleep during them, because Im really sleepy right now. I hope the film doesnt disappoint.

The problem with me and my current One Tree Hill fandom is that james lafferty is so very good in the Nathan role, and he gives me hope, even in the fictionalised world that is One Tree Hill, that guys like him? Theres a possibility they exist. That and how Im watching it obsessively during the time I SHOULD BE STUDYING.

Its astounding how many random blogs I can stumble upon. Sometimes I browse, sometimes I skim, and other times, I chance upon a very interesting one now and again. And its just an eye opener, particularly when its a blog of someone you dont know very well and you are again smacked with the realisation that, oops, theyre actually pretty darn cool. I regret that I havent reached out to a number of people around uni, but part of me is just apathetic about it. Random.

And here is my complaint about DVD players vs Tape Players. The REWINDING function!!! I mean, gr!! How long does it have to take to rewind? And what if you want to watch something thats in the middle, how do you estimate? You end up overshooting. grr. Unlike simple DVD players, which are just pop in and select the scene. And..okay, just grr.

I really should go hit the books again. =)

I want nutellawithcheese! Come visit, I will make it for you guys, and it has to be JUST right, too little cheese and its ewwey and too much nutella makes you sick. Its a science. *nod* =P

2005-11-15T17:29:00.000+08:00

People will disappoint you. I get that. But what about if it turns out youre the disappointment?
-One Tree Hill

Kina is here!! Ah!

Thanks to one of my spunky housemates, Ive been on a steady diet of One Tree Hill season 2 episodes. Its a show that doesnt take so much IQ to appreciate, but more of EQ...and Ill shut up now, i must sound neurotic. =)

I have had a total of like, 9 hours of sleep spread ove rthe past three days. Im dying. Im so so tired, but I cant sleep. No time. No time! Just naps here and there, which seem to suffice, I hope I dont end up crashing during an exam.

I've had random meals over the past few days, and my latest easy exam time binge is nutella and Lydia peanut butter on toast. Dont knock it till youve tried it. =P

I would like to get a pet. Yeah.

I cant wait to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I cant wait to leave and go to the Philippines. I feel almost claustrophobic around here, and Im always restless and I really really need a change.

I learned, btw, to ride a bike last nite. Arent you proud of me? ;)

2005-11-08T19:17:00.000+08:00

People need love the most when they deserve it the least.

This entry is one of bouncing thoughts. I apologise in advance for its strangeness.

At times I feel like its a slow but inevitable swirling sucking spiral breakdown, this life, but there is beauty in the breakdown, and once you've had it, once you've crashed and burned, the only real way left to go is up.

There are people who hate their lives so much that they own backup razors. That perplexes me. If you hate your life so much, its a state of mind, dont you think? FInd a way to make it more beautiful, you know? Dont just end it.

Sometimes, there is that pause in my routine where I go, whats the point? Whats the point? Whats the meaning to it all?

And then I regret asking that, because I know I'm blessed and I know that life's granted me more leeway than most people. I know that while some things I have were obtained through my own hard works, it must be admitted that the rest of it all must have been because of actions my parents, my brothers, my family, my friends, my associates, someone I met the day before. Like, if I hadnt said that to this person on that day, something wouldnt have happened. Does that make sense?

Theres an order to this chaos. There has to be. Theres too much order in the randomness for there not to be.

So I wondered whats the meaning of it all, and my friend and I were bouncing ideas off each other the whole night and we came to the totally obvious conclusion that the meaning of life, its in everything we do. Its in every step we take towards the next moment. Its not a planned play, nor is it a play by play of emotion, its just a gradual progression of day to day, minute to minute, living from one moment to the next. The meaning of life is in everything we do.

On that note, Im off to return to the fascinating world of futures and options in finance.

2005-11-04T03:28:00.000+08:00

One day you're going to wake up and realize how much you truly love her, and when that day comes she'll be waking up next to the guy who already knew...

*blinks in absolute bewilderment*

I got in, people. I got in.

If you have no idea what I got in to, then you havent been reading my blog.

Thanks for all the support, I was so stunned!

Here's random pictures from my brother's wedding on the 28th of October 2005:

Myself, my mother, the newlyweds and my younger brother as the best man.

Half the people at the wedding. It was a really nice one and Im so happy for my brother!

2005-11-03T03:34:00.000+08:00

Now I know what everyone means by “living in the moment.” It’s not about being impulsive or hedonistic, it’s about appreciating life while it's happening, knowing that what you have right now is as good as it gets.

Happy Raya, all. =)

In the meantime, I am over-indulging in everything sinful (not THAT sin, you dork), and I am not studying. Bad self.

2005-11-01T00:29:00.000+08:00

"But sorry is the Kool-Aid of human emotions. It's what you say when you spill a cup of coffee or throw a gutterball when you're bowling with the girls in the leage. True sorrow is as rare as true love."

--from Stephen King's Carrie

I have these annoying habits I have to overcome:
1. Condensed LifeSharing Spontaniety- I have this tendency to suddenly vomit words about my life out to complete strangers or even old friends. Its like I want them to know the reasons behind why I am what I am, under the span of ten minutes. I need to realise that not everyone wants to know about my baggage and even if they did, knowing my baggage couldnt possibly have them think of me in a better light if they already had a bad first impression anyway.

2. Popping every possibly joint in my body- Its true, over the years, I've accumulated this need to crack my knuckles (two in each finger and my toes), my back (yes, all the way across my spine. It isnt a pretty sight or sound), my neck and my ankles. Im sure Ill find more joints as time goes on. And dont arthritis me, its been proven theres no connectiong between this and arthritis. I think.

3. Surfing blogs/Friendster/livejournal randomly till the dead of the night - Okay, sometimes, its cool, to stumble upon blogs, whether theyre those of someone you know and you find out some fun information or something of relevance, or of some stranger who writes very entertaining entries. You learn something new, you know? But, Izzah, ah, stop wasting time and do something productive. So I do. I leave comments. Or testimonials. Ahahahaha.

4. Talking to absolutely everyone and anyone - Okay, this habit I cant kick. I love meeting people, everyone always has a story to tell, some information to pass on. I would never have heard about the string ray r.ape (dont ask) or other such things otherwise. If theres a habit I can keep, Im keeping this one. I just have to..know my limit and know when theyre sick of talking to me, thats all. Haha.

5. Picking out strands of hair and checking them for split ends- *sighs* Yes, I know it makes me look like a monkey, but I usually do it when I am a) bored b) sleepy. Its a habit from childhood I need to GETRIDOFF. Wah.

6. Sleeping anywhere, through anything- I dunno if its my one dea ear or because Im just well, weird, but I promise you I can fall asleep anywhere, any position, with music blasting and lights on. You might think this is a good thing, but it is honestly not, because this means when Im sleepy, I can fall asleep in CLASS. AHHH!

7. Checking my phone almost compulsively, even when I know its on silent mode- Heh. Whoops. Its like I fear an important message or call would manage to pass me by.

8. Using humor and loudness as a defense mechanism - Even I cant explain that one. Its like a weird security blanket. I think if I can make you believe Im funny, you'll look over my flaws. This is a flaw in itself.

9. Listening to songs and thinking its all about me- This habit makes me memorise that song and then apply it to everyday life and have me then sing it when I can. Its a feel good habit, but when you sing off key like I do, maybe its a habit I need to change, haha. *considers*

10. Not being punctual- *sighs* I know theres fashionably late, but sometimes I need to like, get a reality check. I always think, theres 5 minutes more, I have time...and then Im late. These are how deadlines just WHOOSH past me. Not good.

Im sure these habits are just the tip of the ice berg, and maybe I shall impress you with my announcements that I have kicked the habits.

The wedding, children, was marvelous. And I shall regale you with stories when I have pictures or I have time, whichever comes first.

The 4th Harry Potter movie comes out very soon. I am excited.

2005-10-27T11:51:00.000+08:00

from the movie Closer

Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you love?
Alice: Nope.

Dan: I fell in love with her, Alice.
Alice: Oh, as if you had no choice? There's a moment, there's always a moment, "I can do this, I can give into this, or I can resist it", and I don't know when your moment was, but I bet there was one.

Sometimes you just watch a movie and when everyone seems to hate it, for some unknownly bizarre reason, you dont. Closer was one of those movies for me. I liked the way the movie played out, and the twists were really enlightening. Great acting from Natalie Portman, in a role I didnt expect her to be able to carry off so well, but then again, she needed something to salvage her work in the Star Wars Trilogy...

In any case, it was raining all morning, its unfathomably cold for me, and Im here, writing this out because its my big brothers wedding tomorrow, the first wedding of my generation in the family, and while it wont be a huge glamorous wedding, it sure as well will be a memorable and significant event.

I hear my younger brother is slowly becoming a delinquent. I hope thats not true.

The parties just seem to start blending in, dont they? Academically Im steadier than I was last semester. And yeah.

Lets cross our fingers and hope all goes well, shall we?

2005-10-26T13:58:00.000+08:00

Why does everybody lie? You know, the bad guys lie to get in your bed… and the good guys… lie to get in your heart(!) And I’m the idiot that falls for it every time(!)

-One Tree Hill

This morning, I awoke on a completely strange bed, bewildered to find a boy on either side of me. I blinked rapidly and then breathed a sigh of relief to remember that oops, fell asleep in a groupmates house doing an assignment. It didnt occur to me though that tiptoing to the kitchen and looking for water, while telling a stunned housemate something about how exhausted I was from las night, realising his expression was one of shock, trying to then clarify my stance by saying there were three of us in the room..yeah. Two points for me.

Last night was interesting as it consisted of us three group mates karaokeing to boys to men in the university labs past one am and THEN getting caught by the guards. Whoops. At one point, we picked a friend up and parked the car out by the road, had r n b blasting and we danced by the road for a full on ten minute sweat session. Ah, releasing stress in idiotic dancing behaviour.

The ball and its aftermath, btw, was interesting. Would have been a ton better had I not been so exhausted. Went to town with a friend to get my hair done, and that friend went off to do her hair because she had an appointment, while I wandered by myself around the mall for a while, completely bewildered. I wasnt sure where to go or even what to do with my hair. Met some friends, who recommended curls, and they even went to the salon with me, which made my day. WIth the accessories and shoes, the dress wasnt so bad.

Sat with a good group of friends, was first at the dessert table =D and took pictures with random people I'll never see again. I dont think I have even one picture, really. I dont know, I was so out of it. We went clubbing afterwards, and I swear, walking into a club in your 'ball wear' is kinda spiffy.

Sunday was more interesting. There was a big end of teh year uni party the club, and well, it was uni students at their most intoxicated, I suppose. I went with the girls, and thats always fun, tearing at the dance floor. Then they had the usual games, girl dancing on the bar gets a free jug of beer, boys who strip to boxers get 50 rm cash( lol, one of our boys ran up to do it, the other one was stripped!), girls who take off their bras get 250 rm (NO TAKERS!), couple had to find the most creative ways to lick the salt off their partner. Yeah. It was interesting, to say the least.

Someone told me that they used to know me as "that girl with long hair." Hm.

Polls end today, and not a moment too soon. God, I hate this tension. I feel Ive already lost because Im just not local. Bitter but true. Tomorrow at this time, y'all wil find out. Just dont be too sympathetic, I honestly can say I've already lost.

Brunei this weekend. Whee? Brothers wedding and packing up of all my stuff. Yeah. Family leaving Brunei very soon.

Exams. And have I studied? no! Grr to me.

2005-10-19T17:38:00.000+08:00

I love taking photos. Its not because I think Im so photogenic (hardly) or because I think people want to be in photos with me, but partly its because I always believe life is made up of the moments that take your breath away, and photos, for better or worse, tend to capture them more effectively than words ever will.

I was looking through my photo archives-okay, by that I mean my computer- the other day, and I found myself feeling a tad nostalgic to see so many faces I took pictures with not in my life anymore. Its like at that moment, when the picture was taken, your friendship with them seemed endless.

Youre taken to another world in a photo.

Its like at the time, you dont think anything of the picture youre taking. You dont think of the memory it will hold, you just think and worry "do I look good? ooh, is my hair okay?" And you pose. And the camera clicks and the picture is taken and you pose for the next one, forgetting about the previous one till reminded later.

Theres the occasional perfect picture that seems to be taken at the best possible angle, youre face looks flawless, your smile seems effortless, your arms are around your loved ones, the care you each share for the other just jumps out of the shot, the beauty in the shot captured for all eternity (or at least until its erased).

Then theres the not so perfect one, where you look absolutely disgusting and you look deranged, but the happiness or the sadness of the moment seems perfectly captured anyway.

The candid photos, taking you in your element, no pretenses, I think those are priceless.

And that feeling of utter invincibility when youre taking a photo. Youre just carefree and you think nothing can take that moment away.

And then time passes and you realise that you were wrong. Time passes, people leave. Yet. Yet youre thankful that the pictures exist to capture moments when you thought you really did have it all, even if you really didnt have anything to begin with.

I like thinking that whatever chaos or order my life is in at the moment, there were moments, beautiful heartfelt moments, where for just a second, life really was okay, and theres tangible evidence in the photos, and theres proof.

In this breakable world of ours, that reminder just somehow keeps me going on. And thats why I love photos.

So take one with me sometime, okay?

2005-10-17T11:20:00.000+08:00

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
You do not need me

Damien Rice- Volcano

I have never known music like Damien Rice. Or perhaps I have. For some reason, his music touches me, its very soothing and calming and just what I needed at this confusing point in my life.

Bear with me.

If my life had a soundtrack, it'd be one messed up playlist, because I associate completely different songs with different aspects of my life.

Like currently, I've come to realise that I dont really know who or what I am anymore. But thats not necessarily a bad thing, because self discovery is a path I needed to walk on sooner or later. All these years, I always thought I was one particular person, and I always tried to live up to any stereotypes thrown my way, any judgements, like how Im 'friendly, loud, carefree, immature'. It never bothered me before that I could be one way to some people and completely different to others, I felt that I was adapting. You know?

Now I realise how much bs that is. I have to be me 24/7, no matter what people expect. I could be a different version of me, but still me. I have to stop tryingto please everyone because its wearing me down and in the end Im not pleasing anyone.

I've always thought I knew all there was to know about myself but now I have come to accept that I don't, theres still so much more of me to discover, so much more that Im capable of, so much more I can do, with or without the security and comfort zones Im secured in, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is why its okay to go through a phase where you dont know who you are.

Thing is, I cant expect others to love me for me, if I dont even know who me is.

That was either me being poetical or completely bs-sy again.

This week is ball week, then elections week and then study weeks and then exam weeks and then I go off for a month and then Im back for summer. Oh joy.

2005-10-12T12:29:00.001+08:00

"They say that the truth will set you free
But then again, so will a lie
It depends if you're trying to get to the promised land
Or if you're just trying to get by"
~"Promised Land" by Ani Difranco

Im not made for politics, but I am into change.

And perhaps running for student council independantly will seem like some to be either to be a very stupid or brave move, but nothing life changing or worthwhile was ever gained without risk.

If I get enough votes, Im in, and I dont, Im not. Pretty simple, really.

In other news, assignments are haunting me and Im tired. :(

2005-10-12T12:29:00.000+08:00

"They say that the truth will set you free
But then again, so will a lie
It depends if you're trying to get to the promised land
Or if you're just trying to get by"
~"Promised Land" by Ani Difranco

"They say that the truth will set you free
But then again, so will a lie
It depends if you're trying to get to the promised land
Or if you're just trying to get by"
~"Promised Land" by Ani Difranco

Im not made for politics, but I am into change.

And perhaps running for student council independantly will seem like some to be either to be a very stupid or brave move, but nothing life changing or worthwhile was ever gained without risk.

If I get enough votes, Im in, and I dont, Im not. Pretty simple, really.

In other news, assignments are haunting me and Im tired. :(

2005-10-03T00:32:00.000+08:00

"Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it."---Danny Kaye

You know one of those nights where youre not really yourself and youre itching itching itching to do something so out of the ordinary that you just decide, heck with it, and you just go with the flow? And suddenly youre on the beach with alcohol and bbq freeflowing and its past midnite and you're cut off from the friends who normally make sure you dont do anything stupid? And youre in heels because you had clubbing plans? And you flicked them off to run on the beach and play in the sand and water? Dancing like no one's business, chilling with people you'd never usually speak to, having long conversations with the most random of people, getting to see a new side to old ones?

One of those nights and mornings where your inhibitions are lowered. And your heart feels free and you couldnt care less about what everyone else is doing but youre just fixated on simply being in the moment, under the stars, playing on the sand and remembering exactly why you used to love life to begin with.

Its like being taken out of your comfort zone and realising that you really are okay.

Music blasting. laughther abundant. Play rampant.

Carefree and meaningless conversations about everything yet nothing at all at the same time.

It felt like a vacation from me last night, and if you had seen me last night walk back from the car to my room (yes, ALONE) in soaked pants bottoms and sand everywhere and heels amuck, you would have also seen the huge stomping grin on my face. Ah.

I dont think I did anything too stupid last time but gossip flies. Ill keep you informed but for the now..

Alls clear and I feel all floaty.

And well, the Undergrad Business Conference was fun too. Lol.

Twas a good and admittedly unproductive weekend. Ill pay for it by actually buckling down to my books this week.

2005-09-30T14:06:00.000+08:00

Let's never talk about this again.
You've got me right where you want me.
(Let's never talk)
Let's never talk, let's never -
Let's never talk about this again because...
I didn't want it to mean that much to me.

-- "Bike Scene", Taking Back Sunday

I listen to too much acoustic guitar emotion filled songs.

I thought homophobia and all its forms of consequential disrespect and paranoia was so 1990s, but the reactions of some of my friends towards those of differing sexualities in general are kinda surprising me, frustrating me even. What does ones sexuality really have to do with..anything?

Friendster has outdone itself with a nifty new "Who's Viewed My Profile" feature. Oh joy, how lovely to note the anonymous faces viewing my profile, sprinkled with a familiar face here and there. I think I had the most hits when I used that picture highlighting my um, chest, as my primary photo.

So, Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray have seperated after 5 months of marriage. Theyre Brooke and Lucas of One Tree Hill fame, and is it wrong for me to feel relieved that even a beautiful girl like girl has problems with keeping a man? Or that he has problems keeping her? But at the same time, Im saddened as I truly had faith in said couple. But it comforts me, as horrible as that sounds, that beauty isnt insurance against unhappiness within a relationship.

Its the weekend again, how fast the week goes by. Tonight there are wavering plans regarding a beach party and drinking and clubbing. So it all really depends on where my girls are at, coz wherever they are, thats where Ill be. Drinking does nothing to me of late, because I will never drink past the tipsy stage as my crowd has bets on me spewing tonight. Just because among us, I really have never yakked because of alcohol before. Its an experience, they say. hmph =P I dont want it. Its so embarassing.

Saturday, dont laugh, Im attending an Undergraduate Business Conference. Oh joy. Haha.

I honestly need a hobby.

2005-09-28T13:55:00.000+08:00

I've accomplished a lot of things in my life. But they were mostly things that didnt really require much physical capability, its always been my brain or my hands or my voice or some aspect of my mental and emotional being. I've been called mature by some and immature by others.

But last night I did something that isnt very remarkable and yet Im on a buzz righjt now from achieving said action more than I was when I won any of my awards in high school or accomplished 99% of anything I've even accomplished.

Yeah, me of the I cant ride a bike to save my life fame? I rode a scooter last night.

And I was perfectly sober too.

..yeah, its the little things that make me happy. =)

2005-09-23T04:52:00.000+08:00

She said she usually cried once a day. Not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short. -- unknown

So, I just finished all my mid semesters and now Im doing a massive assignment for one more unit, which I will submit by 12 noon today. Yes, its currently 5 am. I am tired. Very tired.

But the weekend is promising. I hope that it will be fun. I will be very sad if I dont have fun. In other news, here are some random pics. The first pic was taken about a week before the second ones. Can you see the difference in hair length? My hair is crazy.

teaser: . haha.

Myself, 'dad' and Shwe.

I did not realise how seethrough the top was until AFTER the pictures were taken, AFTER I went dancing, and only found out today when I looked at the pictures. Woe is me and prolly half of this areas population who I flashed so indecently.

The ladies.

Im DONE WITH EXAMS. For now. Oh, JOY. I have been awake for 40 hours. Sleep. Requested.

2005-09-20T14:33:00.000+08:00

well, maybe there's a God above
but all i've ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
it's not a cry that you hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

The last things I've ingested are melon milk, jack daniels, coke, sprite and random fries.

If the Planetshakers mean anything to anyone, the Christian Western Australian band, along with Matt Garner leading, gave two free shows last night and on Sunday night. I went last night, and it was the bomb. I enjoyed myself thoroughly, I never knew there were so many people interested in said band before. Have to admit I went because I feel like somethings missing lately and I felt a void I needed to fill. Havent really been the good Christian girl lately. Managed to break through the crowd afterward and got their autographs on a bandaid, as its the only thing I had which could be written on. It worked out.

The night followed on to Atmosphere for dinner, great ambience, and heh, pool and drinking at Balcony. The guys bought bottles of liquor, and I really was just a tag along as I was hitching a ride home with the girl I was with, a friend, and we were the only two girls in the crowd. Believe me when I say I sat at a corner and read chick lit,Jane Green's 'To Have And To Hold', with a glass of coke by my side. The threat of exams and assignment due were killing me. I just wasnt up to really drinking and my pool skills are questionable at best. ;) Sure, I had JD, but whiskey never really does set well with me, I think I am and always will be a vodka/bacardi/midori/tequila/baileys girl. The guys were funny and fun though, so it wasnt like I was in bad company. Laughter all around. Good and unexpected night, I got a ride home and downed melon milk to fight the overload of JD (yuck) in my system.

There's this belt I wear with everything. Those in uni and those who know me in real life have probably seen me in it. Its this weird denim thing with a gold buckle. One side is light blue and the other is dark, I can wear it either way, so it goes with most things. I used to never wear belts, but this belt has somehow become something Im attached to. When I dont wear it, I feel like somethings missing. Totally. Random.

I can be so together but lately I feel so well, not. I could go on all day dissecting my current mood but well, youre all saved by my need to cram for exams and finish up an assignment.

2005-09-20T13:28:00.000+08:00

These Words

In my whole life I've known these truths
That while my face may not be the prettiest
And my voice not exactly the loveliest
And while my wit may not be the sharpest
My heart not the warmest
My smile not the brightest
I could always use another spark of talent
I suppose I'm a born writer or have a flair for speeches
I've always been good with words.

My fingers, they do the magic, by keyboard or pen
Flying over the paper, they are making beauty
I can speak and say just the right things
To make you smile/ To make you fall
I can jerk a tear with the right comma
I can poke a chuckle with the right verb
I could make you believe I know what I believe in
I can even make you believe in me.
I can make you fall in love with me.
I've always been good with words.

"Youre too good with words"
Said in whispers or in awe or in disbelief
The sentence that has shaped my life.
What teachers would say when marking my work
What best friends would say when I showed them poems
What mom said when I won those writing competitions
Ironic then.
Its exactly what you said when we broke up.

See, you loved me first, and I had no interest
But you were good and you were kind
And my manipulative side flew over me
I was good with words and I made you believe
Perhaps to assure you as much as to convince myself
It was like a game to get that smile and hug from you
Which words would work best?
Your kiss was a prize to my little word games
I made you believe I loved you
That I wanted you
Before I ever really did

For a while, it worked out, my words and your actions
While you showed me your love, I spoke my love
I spoke, and I wrote, and I spoke and spoke again
Never realising that my words were becoming cheap
That my actions were not quite getting there
That while you believed at first
Your ears were becoming weary
And it was like you were seeing me in a different light
You couldnt believe you fell for this
You realised just how good I was with words

It was too late by the time I really meant it
It was too late, too late, by far
When we were breaking up, and I said I loved you
I said it, and I meant it, heartbreakingly, I meant it
In your tired mind, my words sounded hollow and my tears seemed fake
I had taken your heart and played with it for far too long
And I know it hurt you to give my heart back
That hurt was probably nothing
In comparison to how I had hurt you
When you realised
How good I was with words.

"Youre too good with words" you choked out
And with that, I knew our fate
I knew that it was over.
How I wish now that I wasnt.
I forgot to factor other hearts into it.
And now I regret every syllable
I regret every word that passed my lips
Every sentence I played with my tongue
I regret every letter I wrote to you that made you fall
I was just too good with my words, I used them to keep you
And now I dont have you
And when i get older and I remember you and I remember us
Its sad to admit, its heartbreaking to confess
This is just between us, these words
Because this is what im good at, loving is just too hard
When Im older
I'll have
nothing but these words.

-Written by me at a spur of a heartfelt moment

2005-09-16T14:54:00.000+08:00

"Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves." ~ James Matthew Barrie

HALT! All who read this, please sign my graffiti board:

http://www.piclibs.com/graffiti.php?id=2623

Go go! Do with it as you will, inspirational quotes, comments about you, me, the weathewr, whatever, but like, go. Like, make it somethingn which makes sense only to you and me. =)

=P

Im such a dork.

In other news, one exam down, two more to go. &breathes&

Planning to head out with the girlfriends tonight. I havent had a good dancing session in a while. Or maybe just chill. Whatever, tonight will be a good time to let my hair down and escape from the books for a little bit. My friends 21st totally turned me off chivas. *shudder*

I hope the weekend will be an uneventful one. No more drama, I think Ive jad enough in the past month to last me for the whole semester.

Sign my graffiti wall!!

2005-09-15T11:36:00.000+08:00

Because the things you're scared of are the most worthwhile. Just a theory- Chasing Liberty

If someone wrote a book about your life, would anyone want to read it? Huh?

I dont like the new friendster page. It looks too full and compressed and littered. But the new features look good. Im torn in half. Ah, the imagined problems.

Last night, there was a party for a friends' 21st. It was cool, but my housemates and I only rocked up about a quarter to midnite. There was no food, lol, it was at a bistro, it was all alchohol, soft drinks and cake. I had two of the three, and you can guess which two.

I'm a hot tempered biyatch. I need to keep my temper in check but its hard when the person youre fighting with is someone with a similar eerily identical to yours.

I wish my hair would grow. The annual ball is coming up. I want to go, and while people are worrying about dates, my friends and I are being drama queens and only going if we have good dresses. Ah, gotta love the single life.

2005-09-13T11:32:00.000+08:00

Be more concerned with your character than your
reputation. Your character is what you really are while your
reputation is merely what others think you are.

*breathes*

Ive been caring too much about my reputation for the past few weeks, and thats so not me. I have to get over this recent overwhelming self esteeem plunge and just get back out there.

Definitely a must.

The party last week was crazy. I dont remember the sketchy details but kahlua and scooter riding and p0rn on a projector (*shakes head*) and baileys and random card games and dancing and vodka and finger foods and wow night all around.

Must handcuff self to room and books. Must decrease social life. Grr. Arrgh.

Who wants to bet I wont? =P

2005-09-12T12:21:00.000+08:00

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life thats waiting for us
Maybe your luck has changed
Settle down
Maybe I'm just deranged
And on the rebound
Maybe love was the thing
Holding me back from all
Maybe I'm just the thing
To break my own fall

Black Tangled Heart - Silverchair

Well the weekend was fun and I did things I should not blog about, should my family ever stumble upon this blog. I kid. Wholesome. yes. *shifty eyes*

Yesterday was September 11, and I suppose it had four seperate meanings for me, and years from now, two of those meanings will still echo in me years on.

Firstly and most obviously, it is the remembrance of 9/11, and to me, thats significant because it was the first time America was put into a position that countries in Africa and Asia face every day. And it was no less tragic.

Secondly, it was the day I had to change my contact lenses. Monthly disposable ones. Every 11th. Ive lost my glasses, and even then, those glasses are fitted with lenses that I had on when I was 11.

Thirdly, it was the day of the Curtin Carnival. Thats right, my uni had a carnival, which, to me, was disappointing as it didnt have a bouncer. But other than that, there was food aplenty, games, fun and performances and the campus was more lively in those few hours than its ever been any other day. I was hoping to win the mega prize of an Ipod Mini, but alas, it wasnt to be.

Finally, had the boy and I not broken up, it would have been our 3rd month together. Dont get me wrong, I dont want him back, no no. Im still hurt by what happened and I have so many what ifs and how comes in my head that will probably never be answered. All Im saying is fact. It would have been our 3rd month and while a part of me is hurting about the loss of that wonderful relationship in my life, the rest of me is slowly but surely coming to terms with not being in it anymore. Ill be fine, people.

Other than that, yeah.

Im good.

Except you know. Mid sems coming up. Grr. Arrgh

And Ehon. He came to Miri!! Words cant express my thrill. =D

2005-09-02T20:01:00.000+08:00

That's the thing about letting old lovers go. You don't stop loving some of them. There are a couple you love no less than you ever did. Not to mention names...but I'm still in love with a couple. You're not going to try to make it work again, but if they needed you, you'd drop everything.
-- Tori Amos

I am forever changed by him, and I hope he misses me.

2005-08-26T13:47:00.000+08:00

The aftertaste is gonna break my heart

Random pictures. Youre all in for a treat, but please forgive the pictures where I look gone and wasted ;)

My sexy shoes.

Ann, Snowie and I.

Shwe and I.

Jon, Ann, me and Navodi.

Karl, me and Ann.

The ladies! =)

2005-08-23T13:13:00.000+08:00

Crazy For You
Written by John Bettis and Jon Lind

Swaying room as the music starts
Strangers making the most of the dark
Two by two their bodies become one

I see you through the smoky air
Can't you feel the weight of my stare
You're so close but still a world away
What I'm dying to say, is that

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you

Trying hard to control my heart
I walk over to where you are
Eye to eye we need no words at all

Slowly now we begin to move
Every breath I'm deeper into you
Soon we two are standing still in time
If you read my mind, you'll see

I'm crazy for you
Touch me once and you'll know it's true
I never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new, you'll feel it in my kiss
I'm crazy for you, crazy for you

It's all brand new, I'm crazy for you
And you know it's true
I'm crazy, crazy for you

This is so lame.

But I dont care =P

The weekend was fun filled. Baileys with milk is my new found love. Pictures when I can. Footbal was evil. I really really suck. Haha.

2005-08-17T17:02:00.000+08:00

And if you wanna know how a girl survives, just look by her side.

I can honestly say that I wouldnt have survived the past few weeks without some beautiful people by my side. Im pretty thankful right now.

I cant wait for the weekend, as I am going to see my parents and also be a wraparound wearing bubble tequila girl ;)

2005-08-12T09:09:00.000+08:00

"The stars are the jewels of the night,and perchance surpass anything which
day has to show."

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy."
~Robert Anthony

When Paris Hilton popularized the "Thats Hot" catchphrase, I didnt realise then how much id be using it myself. Even when I mocked her. But today?

Lifes too rollercoastery sometimes. I was just reflective because last nite, the boyfriend visits me, with me in a sleeping shirt and ratty old pjs after a shower, no makeup no nothing, and my hair in a towel and tells me I look beautiful. And instead of fighting off that remark with a vicious 'Yeah right', I surprised myself when I said, "thank you."

See, I could never really accept any aspect of my outer being could be pretty growing up. My self esteem really took a beating in my adolescent years. I was just such an ugly thing growing up. And that affected my personality more than I can ever explain to any of you people. Its hard understanding what feeling ugly is to someone who never had that problem. I was domineering to a fault because I was covering up my own insecurities, of which there were many.

But now its different. No, I didnt blossom or whatever, but I think my features settled, ahaha, and Im just too over confident no matter what Im in that its deemed pleasant to the eye.

But in a weird sense, I also feel like my old attachments are faltering, my old insecurities dont matter so much anymore. I no longer need affirmation every 3 seconds. I can walk around fat and fashion impaired and still feel alright. I can be a biyatch when its needed and completely naive and gullible other times. I can laugh out loud at what I find funny, and voice my opinion irregardless of the popular vote. I dont care about the things I used to care about but at the same time, have even more love for the people Ive always cared for. I can go to church and have the occasional drink and cotton candy splurge. I can love chocolates and adore Counting Crows and I dont have to wear anything that makes me uncomfy. Im no beauty queen and sure sometimes I like feeling pretty, but the superficial shallow beauty I associated with being happy hasnt been a factor for me in many many months. And maybe to me, thats hot.

And perhaps Im just adapting with the fact that, with subtle changes here and there, the person I am now is probably the person Im gonna be for the rest of my life. And she's not so bad, you know?

She's actually pretty cool.

Its kinda a relief that I dont hate myself right now. Or Im not angsty or something. That despite everything Ive been through, despite it all, maybe for the first time in my life, I think I might actually be okay with not just my personality or a certain aspect of me, or my eyes or whatever. But Im okay with me. WIth being me.

Yeah, thats hot.

2005-08-08T10:43:00.000+08:00

To love is so startling/ it leaves little time for anything else-
Emily Dickinson

Um, wow.

I think Im in love.

Oh. and completely random:

Jeff made it!

2005-08-03T16:11:00.000+08:00

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive"

-spill canvas 'the tide'

Yes, thats right, something evil or maybe even deliciously naughty possessed me the past week, and Ive been everyone. I asked everyone I saw whether or not I should move to a house from the dorms.

And last week, it became a reality. Chucking away all I know about campus life, I succumbed to an overwhelming need for change and a that lifestyle overhaul I keep talking about and there we go. I now live off campus. In a house. Its still under my uni accomodations but its nice and purty. Or as Joy (this guy we met living here too!) would say,"Its pretty tight." ;)

4 other girls live with me and its just all yay. Theres a shuttle to uni every hour on the hour so thats no worries. Theres a supermarket and restaurants and tons of other students living around so its just..yeah.Its a good change.

So, I have no net as yet and thats why I havent been around. Ill try and get back on according to our regularly scheduled program but until then..see you guys via texts and what not. Miss me!

Change. Its good.

And kidnapping Shwe for her 20th bday celebrations is def up there in my fun meter =D

2005-07-27T00:36:00.000+08:00

When will women not be compelled
to view their bodies as science projects,
gardens to be weeded,
dogs to be trained?
When will a woman cease
to be made of pain?

-Marge Piercy

Hey world, what up?

And that, my friends, is my gangsta attempt of the day. How so very lame.

Im back at university and its a whole new playing field. I love living away from my parents sometimes, just to escape the mind numbing problems and pressure and responsibilities and obligations, but at the same time, theres added pressure on me here to succeed and do well. And play nice.

Play nice. So I didnt slap this girl the other day when she..ah, never mind.

Im in the process of highlighting my hair red. We shall see how that turns out, pics will be posted if they turn out purty and if youre all lucky.

I need to get out of the hostels. Im feeling an urge to move off campus, but the urge is pulling me towards the village. *sighs* We'll see.

On that note, the Shoot To Kill policy London is adopting is atrocious and horrible.

And I miss my mommy and daddy. And yeah, maybe my brothers too. And AA. And..and heck, I miss the entire family.

I still suck at this coupledom thing. But Im trying.

And that, world, is whats up. For now.