she likes to rhapsodize about the most mundane of things

2007-02-22T08:49:00.000+08:00

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”- Joseph Campbell

Okay, after years of being on jadedjanuary nicks all over the friggin internet world, I am finally moving.

Ill be deleting this blog soon. So if you wish to follow my escapades or whatever it is that attracts readers to this blog, please email me at izzah.t@gmail.com and I will send you the link. =)

I promise it will be as purty as this blog.

2007-02-20T07:57:00.000+08:00

I think that my ability to get PERFECT in Soul Caliber, using absolutely every character (except Astoroth coz he's just heavy and slow) is a sign that I have a lot of inner rage going down.

2007-02-10T11:56:00.000+08:00

We don't see things how they are, we see things how we are- anais nin

I visited my blog- yes, *this* blog- today, and I was appalled at my layout. Why has no one told me how old and dry my layout is? It looked good to my 19 year old eyes but now it just feels pretentious to me. I have been using the exact same layout for the past two years. I think I need a change, and y'all will get that next week.

Like a lot of things lately, its strange how the layout I was so comfortable with at the time, feels so unwanted now.

2007-02-09T12:24:00.000+08:00

and if you find a love like mine/ just now and then drop a line/to say you’re feeling fine.
And when things go wrong/perhaps you’ll see you’re meant for me
I’ll be around when she’s gone. Billie Holiday

She's a runner, that one. The perfect prim and proper princess.

And she's the queen of unrequited love, be it the giver or the taker, either end of the spectrum, either end of both extremes. Its all she knows. To give love and not receive, or to receive love yet not give any.

Her past loves have come and gone and she has not quite forgotten the taste of their kisses. She could handle their desperate reaches for her physical self for she is ugly and sometimes it felt wonderful to be reached for and kissed, and sometimes she would succumb. But often, she would not, because in the not succumbing, there was power, and in that power, control.

Control was something she lost the first time she was in love, and the first time she had her heart broken, and she will die before she ever loses control again.

How childish. How can one love when one is too much in control?

Hush. Lets talk about her. Its not a discussion for us now, love, just her, all her.

Its quite sad to admit that at 21, thats all the love she knows. She's used to it, too used to it, to love and not be loved back, or to be loved and not love back. But never to love and be in loved in return. She's not quite mastered the art of requited love.

When in love, she must not let him love her. Thats the rule. She's used to the almost but not quite safety of loving someone wholeheartedly, yet without the tangles of real life and commitment, of the the future and the plans they must make. In the present, its fine, she knows he doesnt deem her worthy to be loved, and she is used to it that way. She is used to being in the background, but being there when he needs her. She knows he likes her, tolerates her even, and sometimes even craves her company. But if he so much as slips into loving her more than she loves him, their delicate balance will shift and she will ache to run free again.

When being loved, he must not know she loves him too. For she's used to the sanctuary of being loved and put on a pedestal, for though she knows she is flawed but in his eyes, in those trusting eyes, to him she is beautiful. And it is very rare for her to feel beautiful. She can do no wrong. She is an expert at making herself free (but not too free, cant make him know that to her, he is the world, and around him, her life revolves) for him and playing it just right. She blossoms in his prescence because it tickles her to think that for some reason, there has to be something about her thats tolerable, for why else would this boy profess to love her?

She collects their professions of love but doesnt know quite what to do with them. It is easier for her to be admired and share pleasantries and company, but it is hard for her to love and be loved in return. She is too damaged by the past and her past mistakes and mistakes thrust upon her and she has just not quite grown up. She is stuck in adolescence, almost, and thats quite a sad status to be given to a woman, stuck in the past and present.

Requited love is painful for her, has been painful for her, and she doesnt want it.

For when they fall for her and she falls for them, they see she is flawed, the pedestal she was on crumbles, the golden halo on her head was cheap gold painted. She's good at acting the part of the princess, its just that she cant keep up the charade once she lets her guard down.

The girl they thought she was becomes the girl she is, and its hard to say who was betrayed more here, the boy who realised the girl of his dreams doesnt quite fit into his reality or the girl who tested the boy of her dreams, would not let him in, and decided he was fit and loves him finally and hope that when he sees her, the real her, he would see beyond her facade and love her anyway, doesnt.

He loves the girl he fell for, the girl with a seemingly perfect life, with happiness and flowers and sunshine. He loves the girl she thought she was and was keen to be part of her world and this girl to be a part of his. He's with her, yet..he's taken, all the same. He's taken by the girl she was, and the girl she is just cant handle competing with herself, and before her can break her heart when he realises she is not what he envisioned, before they can go down the road of fixing what was broken, before they can be a couple and work through this together, she leaves. Before he can leave her.

And so it ends. And she runs again, waiting for the next unrequited love, because that, she can handle. She's an expert at being alone.

What did I tell you, in the beginning?

She's a runner that one, and she'll be one until she finds someone who will run with her, despite the flaws, can see past the facade and still love her anyway, from under the crumbled pedestal, cheap gold painted halo and all.

One day, maybe she will be more than a collector of cheap professions of love.

2007-02-01T17:30:00.000+08:00

“I’m gonna base this moment on who I’m stuck in a room with. That’s what life is. It’s a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.” – House, M.D. Episode 58 “One Room, One Day”

It has taken me 8000 days, give or take a few to get to where I am today.

I don't have a particularly bad life, no, far from it. It however is punctuated by bouts of highs and then a series of lows, but me, a person who has been equated to be one who wears her heart on her sleeve, can always always have a smile for you anyday.

Because my birthday is so early in the year, I have always never really celebrated it, other than when my parents organize something, which they do every year. But this year was the first time my parents could do nothing due to the geographical distance, which meant I had to take matters into my own hands.

Food. Check. Alcohol. Check. Great company? Check. Check and check.

My 21st has come and gone, and id write about it but writing about something sometimes takes away from the simple beauty of the event so just know I had a marvelous time, had friends over, went clubbing, played with balloons, tried my hand at bartending (oops, I put too much vodka, but the people didnt really complain about that :P), took manyt pictures which i will post up when I have the time, pimped my boys, danced the nite away, was very unsober and had lots of toasts to 2007.

Also, because my birthday is so early in the year, i always really have celebrated the 26th of january as the beginning of my year. And if things go by way of my 21st, 2007 should be a beautiful year.

Oh, oh, story time.

I was waiting at the train station when my phone went off because it was on low battery. I needed my phone because my friend was meeting me in the city and he had no idea where to meet me because in my ultimate wisdom, I told him Id call him where to meet me.
Thinking fast, I asked this random guy to lend me his phone. id swap sim cards and call my friend easy peasy.

..which didnt work because once I put my sim card in, there was a whole his phone couldnt read my sim situation.

My train arrived and the guy asked me if that was my train. I said yes.

So he got on with me and I used my phone finally.

We get to my stop, I return his phone, he doesnt get off.

Puzzled, I asked him why.

Guess what, the train we got on? Totally not his train. He just came on because I was getting the train and of course, using his phone, and now he was gonna hop back on the train and train back to the station which we just came from and catch his proper train back.

Unless I wanted to go for a drink somewhere, he said.

Aw, how sweet, I thought.

We didnt go for a drink but aw., yay, now I have my very own ''he followed me on a train!' story, and that makes me smile.

2007-01-23T12:09:00.000+08:00

Excerpt off a usually mean guy friend convo, trying to convince him to come to something.

"You should come. I have pretty friends."
"No, you're sure to have ugly friends."
"Coz Im ugly, right, I know. I-"
"No."
"I dont even know why I try with you."
"Iz, its because. Because usually, beautiful girls? They have ugly friends."

And he didnt even say "on the inside' after beautiful.

Perhaps he was just being kind. But it was nice to hear and a great topping off a generally okay day.

2007-01-22T15:33:00.000+08:00

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have

We heard the steps before we heard our dog barking.

I live with two boys and a girl. We have this tendency to watch movies in the dark and every room in the dark too. We also have this unfortunate tendency of living in a not so safe area, but with one of us home at every hour of the day, usually, and a heck of a good alarm and a dog, we've been luck so far, to escape the robbing spree occurring around our neighbourhood.

It was sorta exciting in that kind of OMGWEWEREALMOSTROBBED kind of way, where the boys ran out to try and catch the attempted burglars. There was an attempted break in at our back door.

The two boys I live with immediately grabbed their pseudo weapons (crowbars) and ran out. It was 11 pm. Jade and I locked ourselves in, and Jade's younger brother stayed behind with us.

This was planned. We found plastic bags which didnt belong to us outside, possibly to throw anything we had in, and imprints. Im glad I live with two foolhardy boys, in a way, because they were brave enough to check if the house was secure and made sure everything was good before locking up for the night.

Though Im sure we all slept with a lot more hesitation and just a tad bit more anxiety than usual last night.

2007-01-14T18:29:00.000+08:00

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. The Bible, Hebrews 13:2

My parents are visiting the Philippines for a week or so. My younger beloved brother decides to take this opportunity to DYE HIS HAIR LINDSAYLOHANLIKE RED.

*shakes head* And that was worth a 2 am phone call, my darling readers.

In other news, I have moved.

Moving into a house has shown me I have a lot, no really, a LOT of growing up to do, in terms of domestic living. I am used to living with students, students who are spoiled, students who cant cook, barely clean, students student students. Not with a couple who didnt attend university and therefore didnt get the memo that university students generally:

1) Need to be told about things like house alarms and how to turn them off. My fancy uni hostels never had them! And you guys really need to give me my own keys. I dnt care that you've lost my copy. Because I am a uni brought up person and I am used to getting home and leaving home anytime I want and Id like that priviledge and not have to call one of you up to make sure one of you is home so I can be let in.

2) Need not to be mocked when I prepare my 'meals' in the kitchen. Because I have survived 4 years with my atrocious kitchen skillz, I think thats SOMETHING to commend me on. Im sorry my nutella on toast and egg making skills are laughable. If you want to, you can teach me. You really dont have to laugh.

Heh :P

They have a dog, called Griffin, and another guy from Brazil, who lives here too. Theyre generally very nice. I love the house and Im so glad I was able to move in here.

Have I told you guys about New Years and Christmas? About how I went for a Christmas Eve service at a church which allowe dyou to pet animals and carry baby ducks rabbits and their excited male horse? About attending Christmas midnite mass with 3 non Catholics who were so sweet they kept asking me when the best times to sit/kneel/stand were? I didnt realise how very proper Catholic masses were until I attended a lot of Christian services. More in depth discussion on this next time.

Have I told you guys about marvelous Patrick, who had to go and bewith his family, but we had an amazing Christmas of our own on the 22nd, complete with a 'cooked' meal and presents. One of my best friends ever, and I am blessed to have him in my life.

If I havent told you about these, I havent told you about my amazing Katie Brooks, who I love/adore, who shared Christmas with me, and had her family shower me with presents, from her mom and step dad, to her brother, to her dad to her aunts and uncles, to her housemates...she gave a me a beautiful Christmas, complete with waking meup at dawn with Christmas music playing on vinyl outside with Christmas champagne, the very western tradition of opening presents by the tree with her mom's family (she has the most gorgeous siblings..tho they kept calling me Lizzie!), indulging me with a great lunch at her aunt and uncle's place (yay to her uncle to kept peeling prawns for me!) which had that boiled coins in yummy pudding tradition, and topping it all off with a great after Christmas day extravaganza with her friends and housemates, drinking and eating and playing ball on the grass.

Thank you, my Katie.

Christmas 2006 was truly one to remember.

I also joined another friend's family, Andre, for the day after Christmas dinner. I met his family and saw his family home, and we had a great meal. It was truly wonderful, and I didnt have to lift a finger. Australians are so laid back, its amazing.

I will never get used to this whole business of calling adults their first names tho.

A present for 2006 was having Stephanie over. From Gloucester Park to a great buffet ( I think I ate my weight in seafood! No joke! Mussels! Prawns!!!!!!! Desserts!!) at the Hyatt, to Northbridge street parties to Burswood, I must admit she is a trooper and a half. If she could take me everywhere, she would have. 2007 was cheered in with drinks and dancing, hopefully a good omen of things to come for 2007. I love you, Steph!

Lorraine is another darling who made sure January 1 2007 was to be one to remember and remember it I shall!

And thats probably the major highlights of the whole 12 days of Christmas. I could tell you about other instances, like my flatmate drink ups of absynthe and fairy bread haha, and of other strange reckonings, of my work parties (yes two!! i love my job!), of Kings Park BBqs and Cottlesloe beach and Fremantle touring with MATT. But for now, this will do.

It was all interspersed with calls/texts/emails/friendster messages/hi5 messages/facebook et all wishes that had me all teary and nostalgic.

As you get older, I think you cut away quantities of friends.

You cut away the fair weather friends, and the friends who are with you only for the gossip or the friends who are really just there when its convenient for them.

Lord knows we all have those.

I raise my glasses to my angels in Patrick, Andre, Katie, Stephanie and Lorraine. Thanks for sharing your lives with me.

Youve made the last few moments of 2006 and the beginning sparks of 2007 so beautiful.

And I have a good feeling about 2007.

2006-12-24T14:45:00.000+08:00

It's Christmas Eve day, both an eve and a day. A Christmas miracle!

Christmas,for the most part, these days, has lost whatever it was supposed to mean these days. Commercialism and gift buying has taken over. You join in the mad rush of finding the perfect present for just the right people, that adrenaline surge, the stress, the chaos, the worry, the penny pinching, the money budgeting, the blowing of the budget, the excitement of the entire season.

And underneath it all, all that is just toppings over the yayness of seeing your loved ones and celebrating with them. No matter what religion you are, Christmas, I believe anyway, just has that sense of goodwill that is easily caught by all, even if just a smidge.

I fall for it everytime.

Even if this is my first Christmas and New Years without my family. My 'adopted' families have made me feel loved.

Its been a long year, and I cant wait for 2007 to kick in.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

2006-12-11T11:08:00.000+08:00

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. Ellen Goodman (1941 - )

Im at work. And have to present next quarter's budget in 2 hours.I am going to be stabbed by certain departments, because I have to tell them they are over budget and most allocate them lesser funds next quarter to make up for it. And cut down on petrol allowance for some dodgy marketing reps who i suspect are abusing it. I understand why accountants are hated now.

Meh.

I had a fun two weeks since my last post, filled with laughther, dancing and love.

Outside the Hilton room friends and I stayed over at. Yay Khai.

You know a PussyCat Dolls mockery of buttons just had to be done.

Perth view from Kings Park.

Fun times.

Crazy ex flatmates, Aji, Lynne, Heather and I attacking Adrian, all whom I miss immensely.

Mummifying is fun.

Ah, the ladies, Michelle, Lorraine, Lynne, Natsumi and I.

Coz Ill miss Lorraine loads when she leaves back for Germany tomorrow.

Shruti's another lady Ill miss.

Ah, my Katie.

I didnt really kill this bird.

Sabrina's awesome.

Im awesome too.

Look how shiny.

I think when words fail me, I rely too heavily on pictures to hopefully let you guys have an idea of what Ive been up to.

Results are out soon and Im terrified.

2006-11-24T12:37:00.000+08:00

“Life should be lived so vividly and so intensely that thoughts of another life, or of a longer life, are not necessary.”~Marjory Stoneman Douglas~

Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never

Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders
We're getting in tune
The music's played by the mad men

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat

Sooner or later they all will be gone/Why don't they stay young
It's so hard to get old without a cause/ I don't want to perish like a fading horse

Youth's like diamonds in the sun/ And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn't happen today

So many songs we forgot to play/ So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young/ Do you really want to live forever, forever and ..

ever?

2006-11-12T02:09:00.000+08:00

In this world
love has no color
yet how deeply my life
was stained by yours~ Izumi Shikibu

I finally GET it, people!

Raise your hand if you can drive!

...

ALL of you can? Grr! =P

Ladies andgentlemen, in the midst of all this study and work mayhem (and btw, my boss gave me chocolates yesterday for being exceptionally hard working...which is weird, and I think western bosses arent used to us slightly more giving hard working asian employees, yet very sweet of him coz i think he saw i was quite down and pressured), I managed to somehow whinge about my lack of a license or driving skills just enough to get my friend to pull over while driving, into an empty parking lot and make me get into the driver's seat.

And drive.

It was so liberating.

Yes. At the age of 20 and then some months, I had never driven till that point in my life, 11:11 pm, Perth time at the Cole's parking lot. No one had ever cared or wanted to before this friend. And what a patiently wonderful teacher my friend is.

Okay, it was an illegal lesson. But freak that! I learned to start the engine, change gears, release handbrake, clutch handling and accelarator, reversing, parking, turning...all within a 40 minute span.

Of course I faltered. Of course I made the car stop every now and again. And pressed just a LITTLE too hard on the accelerator

But well,I GET it, people. I never did before and I always mocked it before. And I never had the itch to learn before. Till now.

I understand the addiction to driving now. Ive read stories,and Ive heard songs, that all sing of the fulfilment one gets from driving down a stretch of long road, of driving with no purpose of getting anywhere, of just...driving and letting it be.

I think when I get my license, Ill be one of those people who drive just to drive, and in the process, find new places, make new friends, and maybe find little bits of me here and there too.

2006-11-02T17:00:00.000+08:00

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved...the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.
Jack Kerouac (1922 - 1969), "On the Road"

They said I'd never find someone better than him.
Screw you haters, I have.

They said I'd never have the guts to go paintball.
Screw you haters, I went a month ago and still have the freakin bruises to prove it.

They said Id never get through my accounting degree and scoffed when I told them I was doing accounting as oppose to what they believed I was more suited for, 'something in the media line because you talk so much, Izz.' They said Id probably flunk out of Accounting and switch to something 'easier'.

Screw you haters, I'm in my last week of my hopefully last semester of undergraduate studies.Accounting and Information Systems, baby, and Im *hopefully* graduating on time next february (pray for me? taxation is tough!:)

They said I had no chance of winning a post in Curtin Malaysia's student council last year, coz I was running independently and without a party, I didnt have enough support, I was using ugly pink posters yadayadayada.

Screw you haters, I got in. *thanks voters =)*

They said I would never be able to support myself or find a part time job in Perth that didnt entail waitressing or cashiering.

Screw you haters, I have a wonderful 9 to 5 office job doing accounts and my bosses and colleagues rock. And the only coffee I serve is my own, 2 spoons and 3 sugars.

They said Im too loud. Im too talkative. Im too reckless. Im too fat. Im too short. Im too confident. I dont have enough confidence. I care too much. I care too little. I laugh too loud. I cry too much. Im too sensitive. Im not sensitive enough. Im a prude. Im a tease. Im a nerd. I drink too much. I dance too much. I dont socialise enough.

Look.

Im never going to fit your idea of perfection.
Im never going to be what you want me to be.
Im never going to be all YOU aspire me to be.
What I can do, is be all that I can be.

And if that means cutting some people from my life...
If that means taking risks, for once in my life, taking risks...
Then so be it.

I will try and be all I can be. Not what you want me to be.
And dont YOU ever tell me otherwise.

2006-10-12T15:32:00.000+08:00

"So don’t explain ‘cause I know exactly what you’re going to say; big words, recycled phrases, and the bittersweet taste of other girls on your lips."

Pictures. Finally.

Theyre me posing in my dress. No proper hair, no makeup, no proper heels, no accessories, no nothing.

Rottnest. Ah. Bliss.

Thats us being monkeys in the tree.

Me in my hole on the beach.

Thats me at the villa balcony at Rottnest island, pre shisha+ alkeehol, post beach.

At a birthday party. I swear Im not gone.

2006-10-09T03:29:00.000+08:00

"It always ends. That's what gives it value." -Death, about life

Perth has really horrible shopping hours. All the shopping centres and related retail businesses close down by 5 pm every day except Friday nite. Which SUCKS. Really.

Take yesterday, for example. I was looking for a proper formal dress. Which didnt happen as I was politely asked to leave the store because apparently it was closing time! GRR!!

On that note, have you ever heard the term 'retail therapy'? Well, thats exactly what I indulged in yesterday and it was beautiful. I got myself some gorgeous mini skirts (my legs benefit from years of not wearing them so I have sexy mark free legs and heels too boot), tops, cardigans and random things which are unncessary, but yayness overall. Im such a girl.

I spent the equivalent of 600 RM. WHich isnt much here. But maaaan, Ive never spent so much in one go, its such a squee feeling spending my OWN money. My boss is so nice and pays me well.

Announcement: I have given up tequila. My little island tryst included a game which involved downing shooters upon shooters of the stuff and my stomach literally gave up on me for 24 hours. From now on, sticking to my vodka mudshake, baileys, margueritas and vodka anything. And the occasional JD with coke.

I adore Youtube. As i have now watched the first two episodes of One Tree Hill season 4 and Greys Anatomy from it! My thoughts on them are: ICANTBELIEVEHOWTHEYREUSESTORYLINESONOTHSTUPIDSTUPIDTHEY
HAVETOLETGOOFPEYTONSINCREDIBLEEXTRARELATIVESDEBSDRINKING
BROOKEBEINGSTUPIDJEALOUSPEYTONBEINGSOGIVINGLUCASGIVINGUS
THATSLINTYEYEANDRACHELBEINGSOFREAKINGSLUTTAY, and MCDREAMYVSMCSTEAMYGOFORMCSTEAMYADDISONIZZYSTOPSTANDING
OUTSIDEMCVETSTOPFIGHTINGFORGREYCOMETOMEEE.

*ahem*

There was a pasar malam nite at Curtin University, Perth. Ok, it wasnt very pasar malammy, it was too cold for that, WInter really hasnt left yet. Though Spring is slowly but surely taking over. Ill miss the cold and the opportunity to hide under layers of clothing.

Ive discovered Lalisse anti break out serum. Its beautiful and I recommend it to all who feel my yuckacneyuck pain. Rottnest pictures will be uploaded this week. As well as a heckuva load of pictures from my other australian misadventures and then some, so yay? I swear it. It will provide a relief from my bladeblahdeblahness and tendency to go on and on and on and on...

Now, about that ball dress.

There is this boy. There is this ball.

And a mutual friend asked us both present at a table during dinner one nite to attend said ball.
It is going to be on October 14th.

Now, this said boy said of course he would come. And proceeded to ask me if I was going too. And giddy with the anticipation of seeing said boy in a sexay suit and such, I said I was going too.

Now, when I went home, I wasnt sure if said boy and I were actually going TOGETHER. You see, that was very vague in itself. We had been at that time, on one date. Its just known that I was going. He was going. But he didnt ask me to be his date or anything. I didnt even know if we'd be at the same table, for goodness sakes. Or even if Id SEE him, or if he would even want to see me.

Until said mutual friend said that said boy sent her an email requesting 'Please put Izzah and I in the same table'. Hee.

The question still remained however, if he and I were going TOGETHER or seperately.
This was sorted out today when he called me up and asked me how I'd like to go and what color my dress was.

Surprised, I asked him why he wanted to know what my dress color was. I even wondered if he was you know. Not straight. I would have died.

And I swear, I never in my life ever thought that one of the most quasi romantic things ever uttered to me by a boy would be what he said after. Sure, I have had the "to me, you are beautiful" and "i love you. now shut up and deal with it" moments.

But what he said next made me tingle, and this is embarassing, because its not even very romantic. It is sweet at best.

He said and I quote,"Well, um. I know I should have called about this earlier. It just occured to me that I thought you'd like us to be color coordinated."

*swoons*

Okay, he didnt exactly say we were dates.

*Pathetic*

Thats it, I need a proper love life. Email me one asap. ;)

I just reread all that and realised how 13 that made me sound. Its vaguely scary that no matter how much older you get, all things love related can still render u an adolescent all over again.

Dont think Im very sad by the way. You know, there are other boys I could tell you about. There were superficial first dates with other boys which had me cross them off the SECOND date short list because they didnt really...They didnt really interest me, and just because they want me doesnt really mean I want them in my future. They are boys who call me, text me, ask to take me out, want to see me more etc etc. Theyre smooth. And past experience has really taught me not to trust the smooth ones.

I could tell you stories about other boys. But theyre not really relevant, nor do I want to remember them in a few years.

They dont make me tingle like this one does.

Or I could just be having hormonal surges. ;)

AND by the by...to refrain from sounding like a complete idiot..

Ive cleared all my mid semesters. Hahah! And my employer just offered to sponsor me a working visa, so I can stay and work in Australia upon graduation. Heh. Lets hope this works out. prayers! And if it doesnt work out, its fine.

But just the fact that my employer was so willing? Hey. Im appreciative. Opportunities like these dont happen every day.

Summer months are coming up. And my goal this summer is to learn to surf. And you know. Sort out this visa issue. Gragh!

And buying that dress. Yay!

2006-09-28T09:28:00.000+08:00

when darkness has turned to gray

Ever noticed how when youre in a conversation with someone, theyre not *really*listening to what youre saying and neither are you *really* listening to them. I tested this out the other day when I was in one of my ironic moods and I talked to one person after another and in the midst of a chat, I just inserted a completely absurd offhand comment and it just simply didnt register to them and they went,"oh, blahblah blah" or if it DID register, they continued with an absurd story of their own,leading off with "really? well you wont BELIEVE what happened to ME when..."My island excursion was beautiful. It was eleven of us who went, we went via bus, train and boat and it was soo much fun, getting there itself. We rented out a villa for a night, would have been longer, but everyone had work the next day so that didnt happen. I went on the beach for the first time since I got here. We all swam in the freezing ocean. And I made a hole. Lol. And we sunbaked. Im tan all over again. I love the sun.We smoked shisha by the beach. We went cycling. I went aqua biking. We played funny drinking games. We had another mock proposal and a wedding. Haha. We met new people and picked flowers. We got glow in the dark sticks and played on the beach. We took random photos. We all bonded just a little bit more.
We didnt do anything mind altering. Not really. But for 48 hours, we were away from Curtin University and Perth, and we werent just young adults working towards our degree, we were young care free friends, and it felt like one of those american getaway from it all movies and it was good.
As for my work, my boss is picking me up in an hour to go over the new terms of my work. That should be interesting, I think. *nervous*

2006-09-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

So Ive been working hard at work, you know.
Juggling it with university.
And I was trying to give my all and do a good job.
But my boss took me aside today and looked at me seriously and told me he had to talk to me later.
Which kinda freaked me out.
But he left before we could talk.
I had a feeling it was about the fact that I wasnt performing well. I was scared.
He called me ten minutes ago.
And offered me a different position.
To move to a different position within the company. One involving much much accounting.And that it was what he wanted to offer me when e first hired me ages ago anyway but only now did they get the contracts or whatever.
And he wanted to offer it to me before thinking of hiring anyone else.
Guys.
Im freakin speechless.

2006-09-20T16:47:00.000+08:00

Im not trusting myself to go grocery shopping again unsupervised! I went with every intention of buying just detergent and coke and I came home with a receipt thats my arms length and then some. Grr. FINE if I had good heathful things but I checked and I haaaave tim tams, cookies, chips, calamari, prawns, body scrub, fudge, mousse, ice cream, cake boxes and strawberries? What the?!

Random.

so we have yet another week free coming up here and my friends and i, we decided, what the hell, lets throw some money away together and go away to a nice pretty island off the aus coast. Lets swim and lets drink and lets be young and lets be stupid, gosh knows I dont do anything stupid *sarcasm* :P. Its warming up here so the weather should just be perfect for cycling, swimming, you know, things other than the unhealthy activities of shisha drinking dancing that we've all been up to of late. Ive already warned the girls that anyone not in a bikini top gets their t shirts cut off.

And you think Im jokin.

Rarely do all, as in ALL 20 or so of the friends Ive made over the past 3 months here and I ever really have the time to see each other and it was fantastic that last weekend, we did. We piled up in 4 cars and over the course of two days and two nites, we went partycrashing and randomness and joyriding and meals and club hopping and even tried our luck at a casino. Okay, I didnt. But I watched and cheered them on and blew kisses. Im more of a dancer myself and i guess dancing is a high Ive come to appreciate. Generallly it was just a weekend I enjoyed muchly and there will be memories to treasure and use as blackmail. hehe.

I know I havent really written anything substantial of late. But Im happy. And I think I only write my indepth blogs that I became noted for when Im not.

Ill let you all know when Im depressed again.

2006-09-13T14:54:00.000+08:00

"Everyone thinks Brad Pitt has it great because he married Angelina Jolie. I think he has it terrible, because when Angelina Jolie is giving you a blow job, what do you tip your head back and think of to help you finish? You have nothing left just Jesus on a polar bear in the middle of the snow saying, You greedy motherf*cker, Ive got nothing for you."-John Mayer

I am going pole dancing next week.

How fun is that?

My girls and I are planning to bring lots of monopoly money. Plans of stuffage and hilarity galore. And if the boys are lucky they get a free show afterwards. Hahahaha.

On that note, I have a 50% midsemester in 2 hours.

Midsemesters ruin my fun.

2006-09-13T00:56:00.000+08:00

Switching from l'oreal facial wash to neutrogena seems to be doing me a wonder. Tea tree oil helping more than I expected, and bioessence's deep marvel masks are soooo soothing. Moisturizers are my new best friend. Body scrubs are rejuvenating. I love the body shops liquid foundation. Eyeliners are my thing. And schwarwhatchamallit hair masks seriously help make my hair sooo shiny and soft.

Tell me what you use.

My point here is that whenever I was tired of it all, I binged on food. I could spend the entire night slowly going thru the contents of my refridgerator and even my reserves. Id snack on nutella on toast and bananas, hot dogs and mee goreng, whole wheat bread and chocolate, ice cream with milo on top, roti johns, ahh, kill me with the calories, I binged and yes, I binged. I never felt horrible afterwards unlike other bingers, I dont know why not.

But lately, binging doesnt really have the same oomph. Though I tried, you know. I tried to make do with lemony fish fillest, meat pies, frozen cheesecakes and then some. But maybe its because Ive been at it for so long in my life that now its just not...fulfilling, if thats possible. I dont feel as good, I feel rotten and bloated.

But when I do my facial masks and pedicures and whatever not, just lock my self in my room and listen to music and read and just have me time, I just feel so rejuvenated.I spend so much time out and about that I dont think that Im abusing my body by not pampering it. Eating too much is becoming something Im slowly having to face isnt good for me (:P) and I get fuller faster here probably due to the whole bigger portions thing.

But pampering me is good....and I cant believe I just updated you guys...about this.

2006-09-04T21:19:00.000+08:00

the night is the hardest time to be alive, and 4 a.m. knows all my secrets

My flatmate made cookies with weed meshed in with the cookie dough and didnt tell me when I was happily eating them, because really, when have I ever declined food? So now due to this ignorance and her telling me AFTER I ate about 7 cookies, I now have weed in my bloody system. -_- Way to go, izzah.

I really do not see the *point* of weed.

By the by, it was week free!!

..and I didnt get a whole lot done. I spent it working at my job and by the end of the work week, I was exhausted. Holding down a 9 to 5 job is not easy, and Im feeling the pinch of juggling work with study. But I can earn more in a week here than a month back home. Australia has too much money.

I love shisha. Its just too good. Especially when youre just chillaxing with a good group of marvelous friends.

I am on facebook and new pictures are up there if anyone would care to look and I have also sent them out to some of you. If any of you want pics of my australian adventure so far sent personally, yell here and I will send them via email. Photobucket hates me and I cant load anything up.

Even though Im in curtin Australia, the bloody censors still affect my usage!!! -_-

I went running yesterday. It felt good to sweat. And not club induced sweat either. lol

And pictures wise, two seperate people commented that I looked...happy.

And perhaps for the first time in a long while, I really quite am. :)

2006-09-04T14:02:00.000+08:00

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,20349888-2,00.html

Steve Irwins dead.

And plutos no longer a planet.

I dont like this past few days so far.

2006-08-28T17:23:00.000+08:00

Maybe for life keeps and maybe just for now

Strange how in a month I have progressed from updating you from my Miri home to my Kota Kinabalu home to my Perth home and now from my Perth workplace.

I have a job, and Im officially a 'sales coordinator' for WA Woman Magazine (u know, a fancy name for telemarketing/ receptionist ;) ) and its been bliss so far. I love talking on the phone and I get paid by the hour plus comission and theres coffee and tea freeflow and on my first day I was given a bottle of white wine to take home. I love the working world so far!

As for the uni world, its been hard juggling uni with work AND a social life. An example of a typical nites out would be me having a flat party at a friends place, club hopping, eating out and staying out till the wee mornings. Its been fun, you know?

Im loving it a lot, and Ive made a couple of reeally wonderful friends. Maybe for life keeps and maybe just for now, but theyre pretty spiffy so far.Im missing my friends back in Miri, the familiarity of it all, you know? But I do love the new life being presented to me and I wont mask my happiness.

Though I really really am tired. I collapsed on Sunday ten am and didnt get up till Monday 7 am. Hows that for fatigue?

2006-08-21T16:45:00.000+08:00

Meredith: You don't get to call me a whore. When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I was done. So all the boys and all the bars and all the obvious daddy issues, who cared, because I was done. You left me. You chose Addison. I'm all glued back together now. I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke. You don't get to call me a whore.
greys anatomy

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,20181317-2761,00.html

Thats what they never warn you about, you know.In the midst of my adventures, discovering Perth and travelling alone to and from job hunts, it didnt occur to me that danger could be at my doorstep,literally, at 6.50 am yesterday, and see how it says Kent Street? I live at 209 Kent Street, and its right beside where I live. The flat that was broken intp is flat 41. Im at flat 6. The laundry room is about a hundred metres from me. And the girl punched is my friend.

You know,Ive been doing fairly risky things. Going via bus to the clubbing areas, walking around late looking for a taxi back. Taking the bus and train alone when Im on a job hunt. Walking back from friends accomodations late at night alone.

Ive been pretty lucky so far, and now Ive smartened up and I hope I can be even luckier still. Dont get me wrong, Ive heard the horror stories and I knew to be careful but Ive been fairly ignorant. It just hits home when it happens to a friend, thats all.In other news, none of the restaurant jobs I wanted wanted me.

Seems I am incapable of being a waitress.

I just couldnt handle being bossed around :P

So hah at the fact that I got a 9 to 5 office job. HAH.In your face, bitchy restaurant boss woman! HAHA!

Everyone says Im lucky as yay, I dont have to sell burgers or fry fries or clothes!

Ahem.

I hope I can handle working while studying.

2006-08-09T14:35:00.000+08:00

Im afraid to know Im always on your mind
-Howie Day 'Collide'

Remember how Im supposed to be smart?

Smart enough to know not to walk brazenly out a cold winter day in a skirt and flip flops and a camisole over a thin strappy top, right?

Smart enough not to eat lots of unhealthy yet yummily tempting junk food that Australia seems to be crazy about in quick successions?

Smart enough not to decide to go dancing till 4 am and still manage to get up for class at 9 am?

Smart enough not to blow budget on unnecessary things like say, tickets to parties, paintballing, laser tag (you would think Ive outgrown that stuff :P), various nites and eating out, shopping for 'essentials', river cruises, movies and the like?

Smart enough to actually stock up on groceries so in the middle of the night, when Im starving, I wont be stuck with honey and oranges and tim tams ? :P

Smart enough to actually understand that I dont HAVE to say yes to every single invite thrown my way?

And to actually you know, sleep?

No, not smart enough.

I know Im coming down with a fever. And Ive got such an exciting weekend lined up too! Nooo!

Pictures promised next update, Ehon bro.